Boys and Girls
by Bullwinkle's Lady
Summary: Locked in a house for 30 days with several embarrassing tasks to complete, fifteen jounin examiners slowly lose their minds. SasuSaku, NaruHina...or something.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: **This story was written several years ago, therefore suggestions and bitchy whiny complaints are generally impotent.

**Warning:** This story contains cannibalism, bestiality, castration, prostitution, death, violence, impalement, mauling, stalking, molestation, animal abuse, masturbation, disfigurement, anorexia, bulimia, promiscuity, pedophilia, S&M, decapitation, drug abuse, freakish deformities, witch-hunting, child abuse, and pokemon. Also, it gets stupider as it progresses.

**Summary: **Locked in a house for 30 days with several embarrassing tasks to complete, fifteen jounin examiners slowly lose their minds.

**Boys and Girls**

**Prologue**

Kakashi sighed. He had been tricked into treating his annoying subordinates to a free sugar high. "So what did you get?" he asked as the three exited the small shop.

"Crackers," declared Sakura, holding up a small package. She, after all, had to keep an eye on her figure.

"Hn," said Sasuke, holding up a bag of trail mix.

Kakashi glanced at these items from behind his naughty book. The healthiness was sickening. Well, at least he had Naruto to count on. "And you?" he said, looking down at the boy in question.

"I got this!" Naruto said, enthusiastically holding something up into the air.

...Kakashi's beloved book slipped from his fingers.

Naruto was holding a...a...

A cherry flavored condom.

Waving his arms a few times through the air in an effort to keep his balance, Kakashi failed, and fell face first to the ground.

"Huh...?" Naruto blinked. "What's wrong?" He slowly turned to his teammates.

Sakura's face was bright red, and Sasuke - it was the first time Naruto had ever seen him blush.

"Nar-Naruto!" Sakura growled.

Sasuke shuddered. "Idiot," he hissed, before sauntering off, his shoulder twitching oddly.

Sending Naruto dirty looks, Sakura hurried off after Sasuke.

"Uh...but...."

"Naruto, I think it's time you and I had a talk about the birds and the bees," Kakashi groaned from the dirt.

* * *

Naruto was traumatized by the next morning, not only disturbed, but shocked by all the disgusting stories and lies Kakashi had told him the previous night. Pah, like men and women actually did _that_ at night! And not only had Kakashi-sensei scarred him for life, but he had also gone as far as to _steal_ Naruto's candy and slip it into his own wallet, to salvage later, no doubt.

_No matter,_ thought Naruto. He'd eventually figure out a way to get his candy back. Perhaps he'd even do it publicly, so that the entire leaf village could acknowledge Kakashi for the foul thief he truly way.

Today, however, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura were required to attend an official chunnin meeting together, oddly enough, at the Hyuuga house.

The meeting wasn't exactly what the three had expected. It seemed that all the chunnin of Konoha had arrived, including Ino, Chouji, Shikamaru, Neji, Tenten, Lee, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, and curiously, Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro from Suna.

_What's going on? _ he wondered, as she entered the meeting room. "Maybe if I ask Hinata-chan..." he said, and drifted away before either of his teammates could protest.

Sakura watched as Naruto squeezed himself between Kiba and Hinata on the other side of the room. The heiress' face seemed to ignite as Naruto sat down beside her.

"She really likes him," Sakura mentioned, weakly smiling. "Naruto's such an oblivious moron."

"Hn," Sasuke agreed.

Sakura watched as Naruto asked Hinata something, most likely for details concerning the meeting. Hinata looked down at her lap, still blushing, and shrugged. The blonde sighed.

"Sakura."

Sakura looked up to meet Sasuke's eyes.

"Let's sit down."

"Ah - right," Sakura responded, following Sasuke. A mischievous smile crawled across her face. _Yes! Naruto's finally out of the picture! I wonder what Saskue-kun would do if I tried to grab his thigh under the table..._

Naruto, meanwhile, busied himself with interrogating Hinata. After she had said, for the fifth time, that she had no clue what was going on, the blonde retired. In boredom, he leaned back in his chair, attempting to keep balance on the back two legs, and vaguely wondered why Hinata was impersonating a tomato.

_The Hokage's here too?_ he thought, as the woman in question entered the room.

"Listen carefully," Tsunade called over the chattering chunnin. Kakashi, Gai, Kurenai, Asuma, and even Baki, entered after her.

No one was listening. Neji was industriously combing his luscious locks, and Kiba and Akamaru were conversing loudly over them.

"By the end of this month, one of the people in this room will be promoted to the rank of jounin."

This got everyone's attention.

As Naruto gasped and fell backwards in his chair, everyone else in the room leapt to their feet. "What!?"

"I'm glad I caught your interest," Tsunade said humorlessly. "If you want a chance to become a jounin, the fifteen of you are to stay inside this house for a month and complete three tasks, each assigned to you by your respective jounin sensei. These tasks will be challenging, designed specifically to combat each of your weaknesses in physical, mental, and _social_ skills. If they cannot be completed within thirty days, _you will fail_."

_A month?_ thought Sakura. She eyed Kakashi. And exactly _what_ kind of tasks?

"Social skills," Sasuke muttered to himself, his eyebrow twitching.

"Of course," Sakura whispered.

Sasuke threw her a glance.

"We're the future of Konoha," Sakura continued. "Social skills are imperative to politics – especially when we have to enter neighboring territories for missions."

Sasuke frowned but turned away. _How far will he go..._ he wondered, eying Kakashi's elated right eye. _Creepy..._

"The first task will be given to you this evening," the Hokage was saying. "But after tonight, we leave everything else to you. You will be alone here, and you will have to _find_ your remaining two tasks."

* * *

Sasuke walked through the guest wing that evening, giving each of the doors a quick glance. He stopped at the one at the end of the hall. _Uchiha Sasuke, _it read beneath a few other nametags. Sasuke entered the room. There was a window, a television, and...three beds. Sasuke approached the one closest to the window, and looked up as the door opened again to reveal-

_GAH!_

-Shikamaru and Chouji.

"Hn," Sasuke said, eying them like diseased birds. "Where's-?"

* * *

"-Sasuke?" Naruto said, looking at Kiba and Shino oddly.

Kiba raised an eyebrow. "He's in a different room," he said.

"I...don't...understand," Naruto said, beginning to sweat.

The five teams were summoned to the Hyuuga's large cafeteria-like dining room that night for dinner. Naruto had somehow gotten stuck at a _branch house table, _the lowly Hyuuga Neji chomping on slop just a few seats away. Naruto glared jealously at Hinata, whose table had roast duck – _and fresh caviar! _He groaned when they broke out a bottle of tequila.

The blonde sighed. He sat between Kiba and Shino, and across from Sakura, Chouji, and Shikamaru. Sasuke was nowhere in sight. The fox boy had taken to glaring at Tsunade who was also sitting at a main house table surrounded by the beautiful people, all laughing inanely.

_What's with the freaky room arrangements? _Naruto wondered.

"I'm with Hinata," Sakura mentioned. "Naruto?"

He looked up. "Oh, just _Kiba_ _and Shino,_" he said disgustedly.

The men in question twitched.

"Hmm," mumbled Sakura, sipping her tea. "That's odd."

"Yeah," Naruto agreed. His eyes slowly shifted to the person beside Sakura. "Chouji, who are you rooming with?"

As hard as it was to do, Chouji pulled himself away from his plate to quickly state, "ShikamaruandSasuke." Precious food spurted from his mouth and in all directions. He expertly lapped up what he could, before burying his head back into his plate.

Naruto leapt to his feet and pointed an accusing finger at the boy. "You!" he said, narrowing he eyes. "_Yooouuu!"_

Everyone stared at Naruto in shocked silence.

"You have to switch with me!" Naruto demanded, grabbing Chouji's collar.

The fat boy, interrupted from his scarfing, was shocked and - um - appalled. "No can do," he said as he attempted to reach his food with his elongated purple tongue.

"Grrrr," said Naruto. "I'll fight you for that room!"

_A fight?_ thought Chouji, on the brink of tears. _During dinner? Is he mad? Just let me eat, dammit!_

"C'mon, let's do it!" said Naruto, flexing his muscles and preparing himself for a _spinning bird kick_.

"Fine, whatever, you can have the room, just leave me alone!" Chouji wined.

Naruto gasped, quickly releasing the bigger man. "Alright!" he said, flipping the table in his excitement and hurrying off to his new room.

Shikamaru, Kiba, Shino, Chouji, and Sakura jumped to their feet in surprise, Chouji having broken into a fit of violent tears. Sakura stared down at her dress, which was now covered in slop. "Grrrr, _Naruto!_" she screamed.

Later that night as Shikamaru, Kiba, and Shino accompanied Sakura to the bedrooms, Sakura continued to fume.

"I don't get it," Shino muttered. "Sasuke and Naruto's need to be roommates...are they gay or something?"

Sakura blinked. "Oh, no-no-no," she said. "They're just really close friends. _Brothers, _really. I don't think they can function without each other," she sighed dreamily. "They even wear these cute heart-shaped friendship necklaces with each other's pictures on them."

Everyone paused for a moment.

"I say they're gay," Kiba coughed.

"IIE!" screamed Sakura angrily.

Ironically, the pink-haired medical ninja knocked Kiba unconscious with a swift kick to the family jewels. Being that Shino and Shikamaru were shitlessly terrified, they continued to walk as though nothing had happened.

At the end of the hall, Sakura and her temporary entourage spotted Naruto and Sasuke in front of the Uchiha's room.

"Hn, what are you doing here, idiot?" the brunette was saying.

Naruto stuck his nose in the air. "Chouji couldn't stand you, so he made me switch with him," he said, pushing passed Sasuke and entering the bedroom. "Arrgh, dammit, it already smells like you!"

Sasuke sighed. "Idiot," he muttered, entering the room after Naruto.

"Weird..." muttered Shikamaru as Sakura giggled nervously.

"Well, I guess I'll wait here with them until Kakashi-sensei shows up with our first task. See you guys later." She glanced behind her, but Shino and Shikamaru had mysteriously disappeared.

* * *

"I wonder what's taking Kakashi-sensei so long," Sakura said with a yawn. Two hours had already passed, and she was growing tired.

On the bright side...

_What if we end up waiting for Kakashi all night long. Me and Sasuke might fall asleep in each other's arms, and while he's still unconscious, I can..._ Inner-Sakura chuckled psychotically. The kunoichi glanced out the window-

And then released a high-pitched scream at the sight of someone's face pressed tightly against the glass.

As Sakura fell over unconscious (neither boys bothering to catch her), Naruto and Sasuke looked up at the window. "Kakashi!"

Naruto opened the window, and in hopped the jounin. "Sorry I'm late," said Kakashi. "I was molested by-"

"Yeah, whatever, just give us the damn task," interrupted the Uchiha.

Kakashi sniffed hurtfully. "Ah, yes," he muttered. "Naruto, you first." He motioned for the blonde to come closer.

"Yes!" said the blonde, approaching Kakashi.

Kneeling down to Naruto's ear, Kakashi whispered, "Your first task is to...remain in sexy no jutsu...for three days."

"NANI?" screamed Naruto. "WHAT KIND OF TASK IS THAT?"

Ignoring him, Kakashi stepped over the unconscious Sakura, and whispered to Sasuke, "And your task is to betray one of your roommates."

Sasuke blinked. "Betray my roommate?" he repeated, loudly enough for Naruto to hear.

Naruto, recovering from his shock, clapped his hands together. _"Eaz-zeee,"_ he said. "Shikamaru likes Temari. Temari likes _you_." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Sasuke twitched. "Idiot," he hissed for the twelfth time that day, turning away in an effort to hide the faint blush on his cheeks as he thought of the girl he _really _liked. Ooooooooo.

As if on cue, Sakura stirred. "Kak-Kakashi sensei," she mumbled drowsily, opening one of her eyes. Realization quickly dawning on her, she sat bolt upright. "Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura said.

"Good morning - ah, evening, Sakura," Kakashi said, again kneeling down to whisper Sakura's task into her ear.

When he had finished, Kakashi unearthed an odd-looking board with the three names: Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto written on it. The words, **First Task**, **Second Task**, and **Third Task**, were written beneath each of their names.

"Each time one of your tasks are completed, a check mark will appear on this board," Kakashi said, hanging the board on the wall. "When this board indicates that all three of your tasks have been completed, you may leave this house and head to the Hokage's office. The first one, out of the fifteen here, who gets there with all his or her tasks completed will become promoted to jounin."

His three subordinates nodded, determined expressions on each of their faces.

"All right then," Kakashi muttered, walking out the door. "I'll see you three in a month."


	2. Day 1: Naruto's Girlfriend

**Day 1**

Naruto awoke the next morning snug - wait, this can't be right! - snug within the arms of a beautiful woman.

_Oh no..._ thought Naruto, giggling lightly to himself. _Did me and Sakura-chan fall asleep in each other's arms?_

Basking in the feel of another's warm body pressed to his, Naruto boldly rubbed one of his legs against those of his precious Sakura-chan's.

Soft skin...and only semi-hairy legs.

Naruto sighed. He daringly opened one of his eyes, just as the girl beside him did the same.

_Beautiful dark eyes, _Naruto thought. _...And only a little peach fluff under her nose and chin...wait a minute..._

In unison, Naruto and Sasuke released high-pitched shrieks... well, ok, just Naruto.

* * *

Gaara glared down at his first task, written on a small slip of paper clutched in his fist. His fingers twitched. He had no need for such- for such-

He tore the slip in half.

It read: _Make a friend._

* * *

Breakfast was weird.

Again, Sasuke was nowhere to be seen, causing Sakura to wonder if he was on a diet.

The kunoichi glanced across the room where a group of boys were gathered, all questioning the mysterious new girl dressed all in orange.

Naruto was rather surprised that all the males in the house had taken an interest in his sexy no jutsu. ...Didn't they know? He grinned evilly, deciding he might as well have a little fun with it.

"Who are you?" someone asked.

Naruto blinked. "Oh _me?_" he responded, in his most feminine voice. "I'm Naruto's-" he giggled girlishly. "-_girlfriend_."

Sakura face-vaulted.

_"Girlfriend!?"_ Lee, Kankuro, Neji, and Choji were astounded.

"Are you serious?"

"What are you doing with a loser like that?"

"It's time you met a _real man_."

Naruto twitched. Using all his will power not to summon fifty kage bunshins and kill them all, he giggled again. "I snuck in last night. I couldn't go long without my Naruto-kun..." -giggle, giggle-

Sasuke entered the cafeteria looking ill. He plopped down next to Sakura, who quickly offered him some tea.

Before the Uchiha had a chance to drink any, Kiba was suddenly at his side. "Sasuke, do you _know _that sexy nymph?"

Sasuke (who somehow misheard the words "sexy nymph" for "freakish weirdo") shuddered. "Do I _know_? That _**freak**_ slept in my bed last night."

"What?" Kiba gasped. "YOU SLEPT WITH NARUTO'S GIRLFRIEND?"

"_She's a freak in the bed!" _Lee whispered excitedly.

Everyone in the room had turned to Sasuke in shock.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "No, I slept with _Naruto_," he corrected them, then realized, belatedly, just how wrong that sounded. "Wait, I mean-"

Before the Uchiha could correct himself, however, he was surrounded by a horde of crying girls. "Say it isn't so, Sasuke-kun!" one cried out, as she took the liberty of grabbing his very most sensitive part - tightly.

* * *

_I knew I shouldn't have gone to breakfast, _Sasuke thought, as he stared at the ceiling. After escaping from the mass of grabby girls, he'd managed to limp back up to his bedroom, feeling dirty and rather violated...just like any other day. As he contemplated pressing charges, he heard a knock on the door.

Sasuke looked up as the door slowly opened to reveal Sakura. She was blushing.

"I...um...brought you some ice, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke looked away from her.

Sakura's face burned as she sat next to him. "You must be in...um...a lot of pain. I mean, Ino's got a good grip, and that Tenten-"

"Sakura," Sasuke interrupted. He didn't say more and she seemed to understand.

Sakura was silent for another moment. "I wanted to stop them, but I'm sure they would've tried to kill me..." she mumbled.

"Are you sure you weren't eager to join them?" Sasuke responded coldly. He didn't understand how he could have such strange feelings...how he could hold such confusing emotions...for a girl like _that_.

"But I'm not like them," Sakura said. She took a deep breath. "I'm attracted to you but I...I wouldn't..." she trailed off, watching him. He was still looking away from her.

_I hate her, _he thought, finally glancing back at her-

-couldn't have turned away had he tried...

Their faces were closer now.

"I hate everything about you," Sasuke muttered, though his distance from her was only decreasing. "But I..." His mouth was working of its own accord. He couldn't remember anymore...how long had he known Sakura? He couldn't recall an instance she hadn't been at his side. "I..."


	3. Day 2: Be My Friend

-that's when Chouji burst into the room.

Sasuke and Sakura quickly jumped away from each other, both their faces hot.

"I suddenly have the craving for donuts and pickles!" Chouji shouted obliviously. "DO EITHER OF YOU HAVE DONUTS AND PICKLES!?"

"N-no!" Sakura and Sasuke stammered.

"Oh..." said Chouji. "Okay." And with that he...walked away.

**Day 2**

Sasuke refused to get out of bed the next morning. What had happened between him and Sakura the previous day? Had the two of them been about to...

Had Chouji not interrupted them, would they have...

...kissed?

He attempted to suffocate himself with his pillow.

"Why is there a topless girl in here?" Shikamaru whined from across the room. He pulled a blanket up over his head.

Sasuke looked up. There indeed _was _a busty blonde in the bed beside his. She yawned loudly, raising her arms high in the air. She wore not a shirt, but heart-printed boxers.

As Sasuke eyed her (breasts), the door opened, and Sakura entered the room. "Good morning guys, I came to-" she froze. "N-Naruto! _Put some clothes on!_" she screeched.

Sasuke blinked. Oh. That _was_ just Naruto, wasn't it? He climbed out of bed and faced the boy/girl/it in question. "Hn..." he looked It up and down. "Passable."

His teammates seemed to misunderstand is analysis of Naruto's transformation technique. "Teme!" they yelled and took to strangling him as Shikamaru discreetly climbed out the window.

* * *

That afternoon Sasuke thought about his first task. Betray a roommate... How was he to do that? Naruto and Shikamaru confided in him minimally, if at all.

Hm...

Naruto lay in his bed staring at the ceiling that afternoon. Being that his first task was nearly complete, he used his free time to daydream about Sakura. After all, as things were going, he had little to do but sit back, relax, and plan out his new future life among the Jonin.

_First I'm gonna have Iruka-sensei treat me to lots and lots of ramen..._ Naruto decided. _...And then, I'll make Iruka-sensei call me 'Naruto-sensei.' Muahaha...hahaha...hm?_

Naruto looked up as he heard someone knock at the bedroom door. Still in sexy no jutsu form, but fully clothed at least, Naruto climbed out of bed and answered it. He nearly fell over when he saw who it was. "Gaara?"

Gaara stared at the blonde female standing before him. After attacking the leaf village and all, he had known it would be difficult to "make friends" with any of the leaf ninja, but this girl...she didn't know him. That gave him an advantage, at least.

Gaara held up a large bowl and attempted to smile pleasantly, but only ended up looking psychotic. Well, more so than usual. "I..." he started. "I...baked...cookies!"

Naruto was frightened. Extremely frightened. So frightened, indeed, that he nearly wet himself. "O-okay," he said.

"Will...you...be...my...friend?" Gaara asked.

Naruto stared. Five minutes passed, and he continued to stare. He would have very well screamed, but was far too scared to.

Unfortunately for Naruto, the Gaara had lost his patience. "BEEEE. MYYYYY. FRRIIIIIEEEEEEEENNNNDDDDD!" he shrieked, a cloud of sand shooting out at Naruto and engulfing him.

* * *

Neji stared down at his first task, which read, '_EMBRAAACE the springtime of youth!'_

(Gai-sensei, you _stupid _bastard.)

Neji thought.

He thought hard.

He thought _very __**very **_hard.

It started to hurt.

Neji threw his arms into the air. "WHAT THE FRUCK IS THIS!"


	4. Day 3: Betray a Roommate

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 3**

Naruto limped into the cafeteria that morning. Sakura had done what she could to heal him, but he was still in quite a lot of pain from Gaara's psychotic attack.

The blonde shuddered. _If only I had taken a cookie..._ he thought. He looked up, and his eyes widened in horror. _Oh no, he's coming to finish me off!_

Gaara stood before Naruto's sexy no jutsu form, holding a small wooden box. "I..." started Gaara. "I...brought...you...some...ointment."

Naruto stared.

"Get away from me you freak!"

Big mistake.

"BEEEE. MYYYYY. FRRIIIIIEEEEEEEENNNNDDDDD!"

* * *

That afternoon Sasuke sat in his room still trying to figure out how to go about betraying Naruto or Shikamaru.

He looked up as the door opened a little. Sakura poked her head into the room. "Sasuke-kun, are you going to lunch today?" she asked.

Sasuke blinked. Being that he hadn't eaten in the past two days, he decided that he might as well give it another shot. "Aa," he muttered.

"Okay, then let's all go together. Do you know where Naruto is?"

Sasuke shook his head as he stood. "No...though there's a deformed moaning purple thing in his bed," he said.

"That's odd," Sakura responded and the two exited the room.

* * *

Neji had taken to following Lee around and doing everything Lee did. He becaaaamee Lee. In fact, Neji even stopped plucking his eyebrows and took to wearing a green spandex jump suit (he however could not bring himself to cut his long beautiful hair).

Being the friendly boy that he was, Lee had taken Neji under his wing.

"To embrace the springtime of youth, you must be one with nature.

"Uh-huh," muttered Neji, as he jotted this useless piece of information down onto a notepad. He _really_ wanted to become a jounin.

"You must fly to the heavens!" said Lee.

"Right."

"You must engulf the earth."

"Uh-huh."

"You must snag as many babes as you possibly can!"

"Uh-hu-what now?"

Lee glanced at Neji. "Of course. What did you think I was talking about all this time?"

"Uh..."

"What do you think Gai-sensei's been preaching to us since we left the academy?"

"Dum..."

"Why do you think I always wear spandex?"

Neji's eyes widened. "And why Tenten prefers you over me!" he said.

"Exactly," said Lee.

Neji touched his chin. it was all beginning to make sense now. "Teach me," he whispered.

* * *

Someone was lightly tapping on the bedroom door...but it was after midnight.

Naruto was about to get up to see who it was, but he stopped himself, seeing that Sasuke had already climbed out of bed. Sighing gratefully, the blonde closed his eyes.

Then he heard the sound of someone entering the room.

"Sakura," Sasuke muttered.

_Sakura-chan?_ Naruto thought, sleepily opening one of his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" the Uchiha muttered. He saw that Sakura was in her nightgown and must have just slipped out of bed. _But why so late? _he wondered.

"Sasuke," Sakura whispered, so not to awake Naruto or Shikamaru. "I - I need to talk to you about...what happened before."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sasuke lied. "You should go back to bed."

The pink-haired girl looked down at her feet. "Back when Chouji interrupted," she whispered. "I know you remember..."

Sasuke sighed. "What about it?" he felt heat subtly rise to his face.

"It's..." said Sakura. "It's just, I think we were about to-" she stopped herself again and looked up. "I...really like you Saskue-kun. I _can't _let this go."

Sasuke rubbed the back of his neck. "Sakura, we should discuss this later," he said, looking away from her.

"So what you said – it's true. You hate me?"

"I'm tired," muttered Sasuke, still not meeting her eyes.

Sakura bit her bottom lip. She wouldn't give up. She wouldn't pretend nothing had happened. She threw herself against his chest, hearing him gasp in surprise. She clung to his shirt, feeling his heart race where her face rested against it. "Just let me know," she mumbled. "Do you like me...or are you just trying to let me down easy? Tell me...because, I'm completely lost."

"Sakura..."

And in a frozen silence, they stood there, not noticing the check mark that appeared on the task board beneath Sasuke's name as he slowly held her back.

"I don't hate you."


	5. Day 4: Karate Chop!

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 4**

Sasuke lay in bed and stared blankly at the ceiling the next morning. Was it true? Or had it all been a dream?

"How did you do it?" said a voice.

Sasuke froze. Slowly, he turned to Naruto who stood across the room, no longer in sexy no jutsu form. "What?" said Sasuke.

"Look at the board," said Naruto.

Sasuke turned. Beneath both his and Naruto's names were check marks beside the words **First Task.**

The Uchiha blinked. "I don't know," he muttered.

"Hmm," said Naruto. "Well, it looks like both of us completed our first tasks," he paused. "Ha...ha..." His chuckle was rather unconvincing.

Sasuke stared. What was going on?

"And," said the blonde. "I'm...glad for you."

"Wh-?"

"Off to breakfast!" Naruto interrupted, exiting the room.

* * *

Lunch that day was, again, strange.

For one thing, Choji was loudly crying into his hands, Ino awkwardly patting his back.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Kiba asked.

"His first task," Ino whispered. "It's...to fast...for the month." And as she said this, Choji's wailing grew louder.

Meanwhile across the room, Shikamaru and Temari were celebrating the completion of their own first tasks...by being rather grabby. Sasuke and Sakura had the misfortune of sitting right next to the couple.

Oddly enough, Naruto was staring, not Shikamaru and Temari, but at Sasuke and Sakura. As they did their best to ignore the tongue-wrestling pair, their faces had become pink. They tried not to look at each other as they attempted to act normal. Thus far, Sasuke's chopsticks had missed his mouth three times, while every few moments Sakura would feebly say something like, "Beautiful weather."

And during this time...and his staring...Naruto came to a shocking realization.

It was...funny.

Perhaps he'd have a little fun with this after all.

A sudden tap on the shoulder snapped Naruto back to reality. He turned around in his chair.

"Ano...Naruto-kun?"

Hinata.

"I wanted to know...if I...c-could possibly...speak to you...alone?"

* * *

Hinata had been nervous about her first task from the very start.

But after seeing that woman - Naruto's _girlfriend_...a new feeling had welled up inside her. Anger? No...she wasn't angry at Naruto. It wasn't his fault. She felt sorrow. But what more had she expected? For Naruto to wait for her forever? And still...he hadn't a clue.

"Huh...what's wrong Hinata?"

Hinata quickly looked up, her face bright red. "Ah...Naruto-kun...your girlfriend...she's very beautiful," she said without thinking.

Naruto blinked, before his face slowly softened. "Oh," he blushed. "That- that _wasn't_ my girlfriend."

"Oh!" said Hinata. She could have cried.

Naruto stared at her, vaguely wondering just why her smile was making him feel so...

"Then I should complete my first task!"

"Wha-?"

Hinata had taken a fighting stance. "Hi-yah!"

Naruto toppled over unconscious.

Blushing modestly, the heiress scurried away.


	6. Day 5: He's Just a Cat

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 5**

Naruto slowly regained consciousness the next morning, his body covered in footprints. Sitting up, he groaned. What had happened? Why had he been lying in the middle of the hall? And...

"Hinata?" he murmured to himself. He remembered talking to her alone in that very hall...and then - he squeezed his eyes shut - and then she had karate-chopped him on the top of the head!

_Whhyyyyyy?_

_

* * *

_

Evening had come and Naruto was nowhere to be seen.

"So..." said Sakura awkwardly.

Sasuke sat beside her on his bed. After a while, he dropped to his back to stare at the ceiling. "Hn," he responded, folding his arms behind his head.

A few more moments passed.

"So..."

"Hn..."

It was _fucking_ awkward. The whole "relationship" thing was confusing as hell.

"Sasuke-kun..." Sakura said, after yet another small while. She stared at her lap. "Am I...your girlfriend? I mean - would it be - okay?"

There was a pause.

"It would be," Sasuke said, still determinedly looking at the ceiling. "I would like-" he stopped himself and sat up. The two watched each other for a moment. "You know," he mentioned, then looked away.

The kunoichi's eyes flitted upwards, a weak smile on her face. "I know," she assured him.

"Know what?" said Naruto.

Sasuke and Sakura face-vaulted.

"N-n-n-nothing!" they said, quickly recovering.

"Hm..." said Naruto, scratching his chin.

"Where the hell did you come from?" yelled Sakura.

"How long were you here?" Sasuke added fiercely.

"I just came in. Neither of you noticed me. You were busy...staring at each other," Naruto said slyly. He decided he'd pretend to be ignorant of Sasuke and Sakura's relationship. It was kind of entertaining.

"Yeah," Sasuke muttered. "Well Sakura had something in her teeth."

"Hm..." Naruto grinned as Sakura glared at the Uchiha.

* * *

Having left dinner early that night, Shikamaru arrived to his room alone, only to meet a scary surprise.

Trying his best to ignore it, Shikamaru sat down on his bed and turned on the television.

...There was a big scary old man outside with his body pressed up against the window. Psychotically clawing at the glass, the stranger uttered, "Meow! Meow!"

After about five minutes of this, Shikamaru brought a pillow to his face. "Go away!" he cried. "Kami...just go away..."

But the man outside the window remained, now banging on the glass while screaming "MEOW!"

That's when Sasuke and Naruto entered the room.

"I'm telling you Sasuke, Godzilla would totally beat King Kong's a- huh, what's going on here?"

By then Shikamaru was in tears. "There's a crazy old man outside the window!" he said.

"What?" said Naruto. "That's just Kaka-ow!"

Sasuke had roughly elbowed Naruto in the ribs.

Shikamaru slowly looked up. Hey...it _was _Kakashi!

"...What are you talking about Naruto..." Sasuke said between their teacher's high-pitched "MEOW!"s. "That's just a cat."

Naruto, suddenly catching his drift, nodded. "You're right Sasuke. That _is_ a cat."

Shikamaru stared at the two. Just what were they up to?

"Let's let the kitty inside."

Shikamaru's eyes widened. "That's not allowed!" he objected.

But Naruto had already opened the window, and in hopped Kakashi.

"Meow!" said Kakashi.

"What's wrong Shikamaru? It's just a cat," said Sasuke slyly.

"That's - not - a - cat!" said Shikamaru, his eyebrow twitching.

"YES IT IS!" Naruto and Sasuke yelled back.

Kakashi hissed at him.

Still twitching, Shikamaru turned back to the television.

"Kakashi-sensei, give us a clue about where to find our second tasks," Naruto whispered.

"I think I can give you a small clue..." muttered Kakashi.

"Oh, so now it's a talking cat?" said Shikamaru.

Ignoring him, Naruto continued, "What? What? Tell me! Tell me!"

"Well..." said Kakashi.

Naruto and Sasuke listened carefully.

"I...put them under your pillows," said the jounin.

Shikamaru face-vaulted.

"All right!" said Naruto. "On to the second task!"


	7. Day 6: Kiss a Girl

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

Naruto and Sasuke unearthed their slips of paper and quickly scanned them with their eyes.

Suddenly both deeply blushed.

"Hn..." Sasuke said after a while. "What's your second task?"

"Eh - it's n-nothing! Nothing!" Naruto responded, his face turning red. After another moment, he questioned, "...What's yours?"

"None of your **damn** business!" Sasuke yelled, covering Naruto with a storm of saliva.

Glancing at each other, both boys quickly looked away.

_Damn it,_ thought Sasuke.

_Kami,_ thought Naruto.

In unison, they crumpled their first tasks, both of which read, **Kiss a Girl.**

**Day 6**

"Sakura!" Naruto yelled as he burst into Sakura's room the next morning. "I need your...help?"

Naruto looked around the bedroom. It was completely empty and both beds were made. Sakura must have already gone down to breakfast.

"Naruto-kun," said a tiny voice.

"Huh?" said Naruto, turning around and immediately spotting Hinata.

Or at least...Hinata's face. Hinata's head was poking out from behind a changing screen, where she had obviously been...changing. Although the screen shielded her from view, Naruto clearly saw Hinata's naked outline through the thin white screen.

His cheeks burned. "Hinata!" Naruto said. "I-I hadn't realized that you were...that you were..."

Hinata stared back at Naruto, a deep blush on her own face. "Um...it's ok...Naruto-kun," she said, looking down, deeply embarrassed.

"Ah, I'll just - I'll just go then," Naruto said, turning around again. "Sorry," he headed for the door, but just as his hand touched the knob, he froze. "Ano, Hinata..." he turned back around but looked at the ground. "About the other day..."

"Ah-" said Hinata.

"I just wanted to know," he interrupted. "Why you hit me. Did I do something wrong? I mean, do you simply_ hate_ me that much? You must...find me really annoying, ne?"

"I-" started Hinata.

"Because," Naruto continued. "I like you, and I - thought we were friends. But if things have changed I just - wish that they hadn't," Naruto finally looked back up, electric blue eyes catching white. "That's all I really have to say."

Still blushing furiously, Hinata managed. "Naruto-kun I-" she took a deep breath. "I...d-don't hate you. I...like you." Her face had begun to resemble a tomato.

"But-"

"Knocking you out," she said. "Was my...first task."

Naruto blinked. "You saying your first task was to karate-chop me on the top of my head?"

Hinata weakly nodded.

"Wow..." muttered the blonde. "Kurenai must _really not_ like me. Then that means - Kami, I'm so happy, I could hug you!"

The shades of their faces seemed to impossibly deepen.

"But - I – won't," said Naruto, quickly turning back to the door. "See ya, Hinata-chan!"

And with that, Naruto left the room, leaving a dazed, naked, Hinata standing frozen behind the changing screen.

"He called me Hinata...chan?"

Thud.


	8. Day 7: Dance Neji, Dance!

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 7**

Gaara had completed his first task perfectly, and smiled down at his new "friends," "who" consisted of a rock, a chia-pet, and a little plastic mirror.

"I'll go get us some drinks," said Gaara, standing to his feet and heading out of the room.

* * *

Neji twitched. He had managed to "EMBRAAAACE" the springtime of youth, (which had resulted with a slap in the face when he had accidentally called Tenten, "Ton-ton"...and then a double slap when he had courted Temari in front of Shikamaru...and then a chakra enhanced slap when Hinata had claimed that they were "**related**"...) however he had completed his first task successfully. Neji had hit on every girl in the house.

With the use of his byakugan his second task had been easy enough to locate, but the task itself-

It was-

Der.

"Gai-sensei, you freakin' jackass," Neji muttered twitchily as he glared down at his second task, which read: _Dance. Dance like you've never danced before!_

Neji entered the cafeteria during lunch that day. Being that the task was so vague... "E-Excuse me."

Everyone looked up, and the entire room went dead silent.

* * *

"What happened here?" Sakura asked in shock. The cafeteria was in a state of chaos. People were crying, medical ninja were rushing in and out, and one of those neato dead body outlines was drawn in white tape in the center of the room.

"Well..." Ino answered her. "Neji started to...dance."

"Dance?" said Sakura.

"Yeah...dance," coughed Ino. "First he started to...moonwalk."

"Aaahhhhhh," said Sakura.

"And then he did the robot," said Ino.

"Ooooooh," said Sakura. "So...he got beat up?"

Ino blushed. "Not exactly. You see, after the robot, he started to do the dip. And finally...this strange mix between Elvis' hip swivel and Michael Jackson's pelvic thrust. All of the girls were...kinda in a trance. They attacked him, ripped his clothes off, and squeezed him as hard as they could..."

"Ohhh, so he was...raped?" said Sakura.

"Not exactly," said Ino. "As it turned out, as soon as Neji's clothes were removed, we discovered-"

"Ahhh, so he was _tiny_-"

"He was covered in hair!" said Ino.

"Hair?" said Sakura.

"Well, mainly, his chest...and his back," said Ino. "Lots and lots of hair. Kami, it was like bigfoot had escaped from the woods and begun to live among humans."

"So he got...beat up?" Sakura tried yet again.

"Well, surprisingly, a lot of the girls were actually into hairy guys," said Ino. "And then-"

"INO, JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!" yelled Sakura, who had lost all patience.

"Neji is paralyzed from the neck down."

"WHAT?"

"Er, I mean, he's fine," said Ino, who had a habit of dramatizing stories.

Twitching, Sakura pushed passed Ino and entered the cafeteria.

* * *

Naruto hadn't gone to lunch that day. He was too preoccupied with planning his second task. He felt suddenly stressed.

_Kiss a girl?_ he thought. _But...what girl?_

He went over all of the girls currently in the house. Sakura. _No, Sakura's with Sasuke now..._ Ino. _She's way too violent. _Temari. _Temari has Shikamaru. _Tenten. _I don't even know her. _Hinata. _She's...she's..._

Naruto found it odd that he felt warmth rise to his face. Even more odd was the fact that he found himself dismissing the idea altogether.

"She already thinks I'm a pervert," Naruto muttered aloud, although a weak smile flickered across his face as he stared at the ceiling. Naruto frowned again. _I'm doomed,_ he thought, punching his pillow. _There's no way I'm gonna complete this task!_

* * *

**I'll update tomorrow if I remember. O.o**

**Someone did a picture for the first scene of this chapter. It's called "I'll Go Get Us Some Drinks" on deviantart. xP**


	9. Day 8: Flash

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 8**

Neji opened his eyes that morning...only...he could barely see a thing.

He opened his mouth and attempted to speak, but oddly, all his words were muffled.

The constriction bothering, Neji began to writhe, only to realize his entire body was wrapped in bandages. "Mmmmmm-fffffffffff!"

* * *

That morning Sasuke woke up early so he could be the first one in the shower. He hadn't expected anyone else had beaten him.

Naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist, Sasuke scowled when he heard the shower adjoining the bedroom was already running.

On the verge of heading back to bed, the Uchiha froze when he heard some rather odd noises coming from inside.

They sounded something like this:

"Ooohhhhhhh, ahhhhhhh, yeaaahhhh, bring it on down to papa, ohhhhh, almooost, AHHHHHHHHHH..."

Sasuke bolted.

* * *

Naruto yawned as he sat up in bed. Only half awake, he undressed, as was his routine, and headed for the bathroom. Just as he laid his hand on the doorknob:

"Ahhhhhhhhh, ohhhhhhhh, Kaamiiiiiiii, thiissssss, izzzzzzzz, soooooooooooo, TROUBLESOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMME!"

* * *

_There is no way in hell I'm using that shower_, Sasuke thought, twitching, his face painted with many pretty colors. He headed down the hall, clutching his towel tightly and keeping an eye out for rabid fan girls.

Oddly enough, Sasuke had only encountered a mummy, which he had quickly "taken care of."

Finally reaching his destination, Sasuke knocked on the door, and soon came nose to nose with a face nearly as red as his. "I need to use your shower," Sasuke mentioned.

* * *

_Kami, Kami, Kami,_ thought Naruto, as he ran for his life, his towel fluttering with the wind. _Must - pound - mental - images - out - of – skull. _He dearly hoped that Sakura had Hinata had plenty of heavy metal objects in their room.

Naruto abruptly tripped over something.

Climbing to his feet, he clutched his towel and gasped.

"Eek, a mummy!"

Naturally, Naruto pulled out his trusty shovel. "Bad mummy! Die mummy die!"

After bashing the bandaged figure enough to ensure it was dead, Naruto shoved it into the tiniest broom closet he could find on such short notice.

Clapping his hands together, Naruto congratulated himself on his proper disposal of the mummy, and continued down the hall, his mind thankfully off the "shower incident."

* * *

Sasuke observed that Hinata was also in a towel, probably on the verge of bathing herself. Excellent. That would mean the shower wasn't yet occupied.

"Dibs," he mentioned, quickly pushing passed the stunned girl and running into her bathroom-

-to come face to face with Sakura.

A very naked Sakura.

* * *

As soon as Hinata closed the door behind Sasuke, there was another knock, and she opened it to meet faces with another naked boy.

The shade of her face deepened dramatically upon seeing Naruto in nothing but purple thong – erm, I mean, towel. Hinata swooned.

Naruto, blushing just as deeply, gasped, fearing the Hyuuga would faint as was her M.O. He reached out to steady her-

-which caused his towel to slip.

* * *

Sasuke was in a daze. _Boobies, _he thought, reaching out to grab them-

-SLAP-

* * *

After thoroughly flashing the poor girl, Naruto quickly grabbed his towel and brought it back around his waist. He watched with unease as Hinata's eyes rolled up to the back of her head.

-SMASH-

Naruto looked up in surprise as Sasuke stumbled out of the bathroom, a deep red hand print on his cheek.

-THUD-

And then quickly looked back down as Hinata fell to the ground, unconscious.

Naruto blinked a few times. _Dammit, _he thought. _This is all Shikamaru's fault - DAMMIT,_ he suddenly wished he was holding a hammer.


	10. Day 9: Kill The Mummy

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

After returning to their room (both half deaf from all Sakura's screaming), Naruto and Sasuke took a few moments to glare at the gratified-looking Shikmaru, who was staring right back, and oddly.

"...What?" said Shikmaru.

"Che," uttered Sasuke, as Naruto said, "Had lots of _fun_ in the shower, did we?"

Shikamaru blinked in confusion. "...what are you talking about?" he asked.

"You were moaning loud enough for the entire house to hear," Sasuke hissed.

Shikamaru's eyes widened. "I was...washing my hair," he stated.

"Che, right," muttered Sasuke, as Naruto rolled his eyes. Both stood and headed for the door.

"I swear I was!" said Shikamaru.

"'Course," said Naruto sarcastically, as Sasuke growled, "Who the hell washes their hair like _that?_" The boys exited the room.

"I WAS WASHING MY HAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRRR!" Shikamaru screamed after them like a dying cow.

**Day 9**

Neji slowly regained consciousness. _Where am I..._ he thought numbly, his head spinning. He tried his best to look around, and thanks to his byakugan, this task wasn't as difficult as it could have been.

It seemed that not only was he still wrapped in bandages, but he was lodged within a...broom closet? A tiny one at that. He kicked the door open.

* * *

Lunch was insane.

"Have you heard? Neji's gone missing," Chouji whispered conspiratorially, while giving Tenten a suspicious glance.

"I know," Ino replied, nodding, as she also eyed Tenten who was at the table beside theirs, a stick of celery hanging innocently out of her mouth.

Tenten twitched. "Why does everyone think that I have something to do with Neji's disappearance?" she growled.

Suddenly the doors of the cafeteria burst open, and in came...a mummy?

"Holy shit," whispered Kankuro.

"A mummy! It is our duty to kill it!" said Lee enthusiastically, as everyone began to take out their favorite weapons.

With the byakugan, Hinata _could have_ mentioned the said "mummy" was actually just Neji, _but_...she didn't feel like it.

And so, the violence commenced.

* * *

_Such a pervert..._

_What a crone._

_Walking in on me in the bathroom - and not just that, __**he**__ was naked too._

_It was an honest mistake. She didn't need to be such a bitch about it. I was off guard and she was using that super strength of hers._ he absently rubbed his bruised cheek.

_Just what was he expecting?_

_I admit, I lost control._

Sasuke and Sakura briefly glanced at each other, but both quickly glared away again.

_Kami._

_Dammit._

_I was nervous._

_I didn't know what I was doing._

_But...was it so wrong? Was I...over-reacting?_

_It's amazing that...I've never actually kissed a girl._

Sakura's face turned red as she thought. _I have to admit...I liked what I saw._

_Heh...boobs..._

_I mean he __**is**__ my-_

_She realizes that she's my-_

_-boyfriend._

_-girlfriend._

Sakura stared down at her knees. _But he's still a pervert!_

_Pah, crone._

That evening after dinner Sakura had joined Naruto and Sasuke in their room, and the three complied to blankly stare at the walls. What with the obvious air of tension, Naruto thought it was best to...not do anything at all.

That's when Shikamaru walked in.

_Yes! _Naruto thought. _A diversion! A nasty one, but still!_

"Shikamaru, I have to tell you this cool story!" Naruto immediately babbled.

Shikamaru was looking at Naruto oddly, but sat down at the edge of his bed and nodded, nonetheless. _This is going to be troublesome,_ he thought.

"Ok, so this guy and this girl," Naruto paused, and looked pointedly at Sasuke and Sakura. "They always claimed they hated each other!"

Shikamaru blinked. "O...k..." he said, wondering what the hell Naruto was getting at.

"But a while later, the guy is all like, 'but I _looooove_ you,'" he took to eying the twitching Sasuke.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"How meaningless," Shikamaru mentioned.

"Nani - iie - it isn't!" Naruto protested. "It meant that the two people hated that they loved each other." His eyes again darted to Sasuke and Sakura. "Hai, hate and love are two very different things. _Right_ Sasuke."

He didn't respond.

"I love you Sasuke!" proclaimed Naruto out of nowhere, leaping at the boy in question.

Sasuke, freaked out, immediately ducked, causing Naruto to smash painfully into the bureau where his face collided with a number of dyes and cologne bottles. "Ouch..." the blonde mumbled. "I just wanted a _kiss_..." with that the boy collapsed to the ground dead – er – unconscious.

"Hn," Sasuke muttered, an idea suddenly striking him. The second task...what if...would it work...a kiss...from Naruto?

Sasuke placed his hand on his chin, running his fingers through an imaginary goatee. Perhaps they could put sexy no jutsu to the test.


	11. Day 10: Get a Girlfriend

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 10**

"Ohhhhh, myyyyyy, Kaaaaaami, OHHHHH, YES, YES, YESSSSSSSSS!"

When Naruto walked out of the bathroom that morning, he awkwardly shrugged. "Wh-what?" he said. "I was...I was...rubbing lotion...on my arms...yeah...seriously..._STOP LOOKING AT ME!_"

* * *

Sasuke was looking at him oddly that day. Thinking it was about the shower thing, Naruto tried to explain, but was interrupted.

"Naruto, my second task...is to kiss a girl," Sasuke stated.

The blonde's eyes widened. "Woah, me _too_, how-"

Sasuke ignored him, and continued, before he could lose his nerve. "And _you_ can turn into a girl," he mentioned.

Naruto stared at Sasuke, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"And...I think it could work."

"No way in hell!" was Naruto response.

Eye twitching, Sasuke decided Naruto had no say in the matter, grabbing the smaller boy's shoulders and shoving him up against the wall.

"Just kiss me, dammit!"

That's when Shikamaru entered the room.

Naruto and Sasuke's slowly looked up, their faces blue.

Also blue-faced, Shikamaru turned on his heel and walked back out of the room, thinking, _I need a hammer._

* * *

Gaara scowled as he read his second task: _Get a girlfriend._

He ground his teeth as he thought, _Just where was that blonde girl again?_

* * *

When Shikamaru left, Sasuke's intentions, unfortunately, had not changed.

Taking it upon himself to bound Naruto's arms and legs, Sasuke did a nifty little jutsu he had taught himself merely hours prior, and as the smoke cleared away, he looked down in triumph at the young blonde female before him.

The said female spat quite a few obscenities, cried rape, and frothed at the mouth, not that Sasuke minded. In fact, it actually gave the Uchiha the opportunity to squirt breath spray into her mouth.

"Muahahahaha..." Sasuke couldn't help but to evilly chuckle. This was just too good. "Sorry Naruto," he said without a hint of sincerity. Right now it was just a matter of getting his second task done with. Naruto was merely a peon in his master plan. "_Pucker up_."

That's when the door opened, and in poked Sakura's head. She seemed to ignore the fact that Naruto, in sexy no jutsu, was tied up on the ground, with Sasuke hovering over her/him/it. "Sasuke-kun," Sakura mumbled. "Can I...speak to you?"

As Sasuke stood there, slowly, all malevolence seemed to drain from his face until his evil smirk had become but a frown.

Slightly annoyed, he found the dirtiest sock he owned, stuffed it into Naruto's mouth, and uttered, "Be back in an hour, dobe."

_Freedom!_

Naruto, still bound and gagged, hopped away with all his might-

-and came face to face with Gaara just outside the room.

_Eek!_ Naruto's mind screamed. He attempted to dispel the jutsu - only to remember his hands were still tied behind his back!

Gaara had slowly approached until their faces were mere inches apart. "Will...you...be...my...girlfriend?"

Being that he couldn't do much, Naruto settled on trying to scream. Unfortunately, Gaara took Naruto's muffled, "mmmmfffff"s as a "yes." Overjoyed, the sand nin dragged Naruto away, wondering just what people did with "girlfriends" anyway.

* * *

The two sat side by side on one of the beds. Sakura was very uneasy, and despite the fact that she and Sasuke were on bad terms, she felt the need to speak to him.

She stared down at her lap.

So...why couldn't she speak?

Her breath hitched in her chest when she heard Sasuke break the silence.

"Sakura," the Uchiha muttered. He too was looking down, his eyes hidden beneath his long bangs. "What is it?"

Sakura bit her bottom lip. "Ah..." she said. "I..." What was she supposed to say? "I don't know." And truthfully, she didn't.

Sasuke released an annoyed sigh.

"But don't you think..." Sakura added. "That, maybe...we're supposed to fix things. Isn't that what people usually do?"

"People?" questioned Sasuke.

"Um, friends," said Sakura. Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "-I mean - companions," Sasuke watched her face redden. "Couples," Sakura continued. "...lovers."

Sasuke bit his mouth.

"-Just a few examples," Sakura awkwardly finished.

The Uchiha closed his eyes as he turned away from her. "Aa. So fix things," he muttered sarcastically.

"A-aren't you going to help me?"

He didn't respond.

"Okay..." said Sakura. "So you walked into my bathroom, naked, while I was in there, naked," she paused and looked at Sasuke. "Is there...anything you have to say for yourself?"

"No," he said curtly.

Sakura twitched. "Aa," she nodded. "And then I slapped you. I suppose I should apologize for slapping you...and maybe while I'm at it, I should apologize for being in _my_ room in _my_ shower, when you decided to walk in. In fact, I'm sorry for ever bathing at all." This was thick with sarcasm, but she some how managed to say it all quietly.

A moment passed, and Sasuke finally replied.

"Sakura," he said. They were both stubborn people. What could he do? Bow down on his knees and kiss her feet? "I don't see the point," he hid his pain well. "We're clearly opposites, and our feelings aren't real. We should just-"

He was surprised that Sakura had grabbed his arm. "No," she said. "I'm not letting you go! I _can't_ let you go."

It was when his nose brushed hers that Sasuke realized how close they had come to be. Wide eyes became half lidded, and the two drew slowly closer.

The bedroom door opened. Sakura released Sasuke's arm and stared down at her lap as Sasuke sighed and glanced at the interloper.

Naruto limped in. He immediately threw the Uchiha a nasty look. "Hey guys, why are you two alone...in the dark?" he mentioned, rolling his eyes.

Sasuke glared back. "Why are you limping?" he countered.

Naruto growled. "Thanks to you, Gaara thinks that I'm his _girlfriend._ He stuffed me into a duffel bag and left me in his closet for hours, and I just managed to escape by replacing myself with a shadow clone." Naruto shuddered at the thought of what Gaara could be doing to his poor clone at that very moment.

"That's all very interesting Naruto," Sakura said, though she hadn't been listening. "But, I'm exhausted. I...think I'll skip dinner and go straight to bed." She knew she was lying. She just couldn't bring herself to face Sasuke again. "Goodnight," she mumbled, and did something unusual. She walked to each Sasuke and Naruto, giving them a soft kiss on the cheek.

Naruto and Sasuke held their cheeks in surprise when Sakura left the room, neither noticing that a check mark had appeared on the board beneath Sakura's name.

As Naruto began to hop around and laugh about getting _kissed_, Sasuke merely glared. "Dammit," he muttered softly to himself. He rather wanted to kiss Sakura for real.


	12. Day 11: Shino's Second Task

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

Sakura discarded her slip that read **First Task** before throwing herself into her bed.

_Kiss a boy._

**Day 11**

Naruto and Shikamaru heard the shower running, accompanied by moaning sounds - ALL NIGHT LONG! The sounds echoed through the room, causing Shikamaru at some points in the night, to whimper into his pillow.

Finally, as the sun rose, Sasuke exited the bathroom, squeaky clean, with a towel wrapped around his waist. Because of the looks he was receiving, he awkwardly muttered, "I was...shaving."

Being that his twitching roommates were still staring at him, Sasuke felt obliged to drop his towel. "So what do you guys think?"

* * *

Shikamaru and Naruto ran out of the room releasing high-pitched screams. "SASUKE'S NAKED! SASUKE'S NAKED!" they shrieked as they ran.

"And hairless!" Naruto would occasionally add.

"What - where!" said any fangirl within earshot.

* * *

Breakfast was...ahem.

Shino stood to his feet and cleared his throat. And being that Shino never, ever, _ever_ drew attention to himself, everyone looked up in shock.

"My second task...is to take my coat off," Shino said as he did just that.

The cafeteria was suddenly filled with a bright white light, all radiating off Shino.

"...wow," said Naruto.

"He's...so...beautiful," said Sakura.

Sasuke wiped a tear from his eye.

-And then everything went black.

Hours later, Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto slowly opened their eyes and dislodged their faces from their cold cereals, as did all the other chuunin in the household, well, except for Shino who was nowhere to be seen.

"...Where's my necklace?" said Naruto in shock.

"Where's my wallet..." growled Sasuke.

Sakura felt her breasts. "Where's my _bra?"_

_

* * *

_

"No, Sakura, let _me,_ walk you to your room," said Naruto, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. He smirked, knowing that he was bothering Sasuke.

-He just hadn't anticipated Sasuke beating him into unconsciousness and leaving him twitching on the ground.

"Naruto...is a moron," Sasuke mentioned.

He looked at Sakura. There was a weak smile on her face. In unison, Sasuke and Sakura looked away from each other again.

As they passed by the entrance to Sakura and Hinata's bedroom, Sasuke blinked. "Aren't you going to...uh..." he didn't know how to continue.

Sakura shook her head. "No way, I'm far too comfortable!" she said.

_Er..._ was all Sasuke could think.

When the two entered his room, a suddenly conscious Naruto swooped down from the ceiling like some sort of _hideous_ bat creature.

"Hello, Sakura-chan," Naruto said in a suave, sexy tone. Well, at least he thought it was suave and sexy, but really, he sounded like Ray Romano. "A rose, for my rose," the blonde said, his voice going from bad to worse. Now he sounded like an evil leprechaun.

Sakura took the said "rose," which was rather...um...how could I put this..._plastic. _"Uh, thanks Naruto..." Sakura said awkwardly.

"No problem babe," said Naruto with a creepy smile to match his creepy accent. "Now how about a kiss?"

If his calculations were correct (which they never were), Sasuke would go off in - 3... 2...

"Baka," the Uchiha hissed.

"What's wrong Sasuke?" said Naruto. "Jealous of our _loooove?_"

Sakura blinked. _Huh?_ Didn't she have any say in this?

Sasuke's hands were twitching. "Why don't you go hit on _Hinata?_" he growled through his teeth. "_She -_ actually - _likes -_ you."

Naruto lost his balance. _What?_ he thought, trying to register what Sasuke was getting at. He grabbed the closest object he could find-

-Which happened to be Sakura's ass.

Naruto awoke hours later lodged tightly inside of a tiny cupboard...with a...dead mummy?

* * *

Sakura's hands balled up into fists. "Idiot," she growled.

"Sakura."

Blinking, Sakura glanced up to meet Sasuke's eyes.

"Gomen," he said, finally. "I'm sorry for walking in on you naked. I'm...not like Naruto."

Sakura stared at Sasuke, her eyes wide. She was sure she had to be dreaming. "I'm sorry for slapping you so hard..." she looked down. "That's not what Tsunade's technique should be used for."

Sasuke curtly nodded. "Right."

"Yeah..."

Faintly blushing, both quickly mumbled about having something to do, and gathered themselves in preparation to leave. But just before they could part, the impossible happened.

Sasuke and Sakura, perhaps as a goodbye, lightly kissed each other on the lips. For an intimate fraction of a second, they behaved like any other couple would.

When it had passed, they stared at each other in surprise.

-And then they kissed again.


	13. Day 12: Climb a Tree

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 12**

"You completed your second task?" said Naruto feigning surprise as he stared up at the task board. "How the hell did you do it?"

Sasuke, for some reason_, _was blushing. "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" he snarled, before retreating...under his covers.

Naruto snickered at his friend's behavior_._

_

* * *

_

Kiba stared down at his second task after successfully finding it written in his alphabet soup.

It read: _climb a tree without chakra._

_How weird,_ Kiba thought.

* * *

With neither of his teammates to hide behind at breakfast that day, Naruto, as fate would have it, bumped into Hinata.

Both their faces immediately turned red.

"Good morning...Hinata-chan..." Naruto said awkwardly, wondering whether he should apologize for flashing the poor girl four days prior.

"Ah, good morning, Naruto-kun," Hinata mumbled as she looked down at her feet.

He didn't know what made him do it - it was almost reflexively - Naruto brought a finger to Hinata's chin, and slowly raised her face so their eyes were aligned. "Don't look down when you're speaking to me," he said softly. "We're passed that stage, ne?"

As Hinata stared back at him, the shade of her face deepened to unknown shades of crimson. "Naruto-kun, I feel...sort of weird..." she mumbled.

Naruto nodded. "I know," he muttered.

"Because..." Hinata continued. "Because...I...I always thought that you were a natural blonde."

Naruto blanched.

* * *

Kiba was outside in front of the house attempting to climb the only tree on the property. It was tall, wide, and the only branches were ten feet up or higher.

Yes, of course, there were many trees, far better for climbing, Kiba realized. But the dog-boy feared that leaving the property would disqualify him and destroy his chances of becoming a jounin.

Sighing, Kiba ran toward the tree.

-And crashed right into it.

The boy simply wasn't made for tree-climbing. His fingernails were blunt and despite being a super awesome ninja, he had very little stamina to speak of.

"Meow."

Kiba looked up in surprise, spotting a cat sitting high up in the branches as it idly liked its paw. He found himself absently growling. He _hated_ cats.

"Meow."

It was a rather large cat with gray hair and a mask. It hissed at him, before jumping out of the tree and making a run for it.

Kiba found himself instinctively chasing the cat around the property.

"Leave me alone you freakin' weirdo!" the cat said after a while.


	14. Day 13: Stop Fondling Me!

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 13**

Sasuke sighed that night, having successfully avoided Sakura, y'know, _his_ _girlfriend_, all day long. Only as he leaned back in his bed and closed his eyes, did he finally ask himself _...What the fuck?_

He fell asleep as he vaguely wondered why he was hiding-

-and then awoke a few hours later as someone crawled into his bed.

* * *

Temari grinned as she slipped into Shikamaru's bedroom that night. She was restless and felt the need for company. _I'm sure he won't mind,_ she thought, spotting a tuft of black hair and immediately crawling into the bed.

"Hey baby," Temari whispered, grabbing her favorite piece of her man.

He released a shrill anti-noise.

She giggled and began to untie the waistband of his pajamas, Shikamaru squirming beneath her all the while.

* * *

Sasuke took in a sharp breath. His girlfriend had snuck into his room, _and then into his bed. _Had Sakura always been so forward? The kunoichi was viciously trying to remove his drawers, and just before he could release a high-pitched scream, the lights turned on. Shikamaru stood by the door with his hand on the switch.

Temari's eyes widened in shock.

"Oh no, I almost raped Uchiha Sasuke!" Sasuke couldn't tell whether she was shocked or ecstatic.

"What?" shrieked Sakura in the next bed. "Then who the hell am I fondling..." she released a scream upon spotting a dazed-looking Naruto.

"Why the hell are you molesting Naruto!" yelled Sasuke, ignoring Temari, who was straddling his waist.

"Why are you underneath Temari!" Sakura snapped back.

The Uchiha eyed the blonde girl. "Aren't you eighteen? What are you, some sort of _pedophile!"_

Temari's cheek twitched, but Shikamaru interrupted.

"Back away of my woman," drawled the Nara, not particularly committed to the debate at hand. _My sexy, older, __**freaky, **__woman. Rawrr. _He and Temari gave each other perverted stares.

"Get off him!" Sakura screamed, then turned to Shikamaru. "And stop being out of character, dammit!"

"Don't yell at him!" yelled Temari, grabbing Sasuke's crotch for no particular reason.

Sasuke released a shriek of pain...or pleasure. It was hard to determine with someone who didn't generally shriek.

"You're hurting him!" cried Sakura.

"Oh baby! Hurt me, hurt me!" sang Naruto.

"EEK!"

"Get off Naruto!" Sasuke snarled, as he wrestled for freedom. Temari wrestled back, as though she was accustomed to raping little boys.

"Get away from Temari," Shikamaru mentioned fruitlessly.

"GET TEMARI AWAY FROM _ME!_" Sasuke yelled back.

**"EVERYONE STOP YELLING!"**

Everyone stared at Naruto who had broken down into violent sobs. There was an awkward cough.

In the frozen silence that had resulted from Naruto's hysterical crying (PMS), Sasuke had managed to shove Temari off him, before grabbing Sakura's had and dragging her out of the room. "We need to talk."

* * *

Sakura couldn't exactly call it, "talking."

"I-" Sasuke stopped short. "You-" Defeated, he stared into her emerald eyes, and kissed her for the third time.

Sakura was caught off guard, but responded all the same. She felt his arms encircle her waist to pull her closer.

When the kiss ended, and the pair paused to catch their breaths, Sakura managed a weak nod. "I understand," she said firmly. "No more fondling Naruto." With that she grabbed her boyfriends collar, and shoved him into the nearest broom closet.

He released a scream of terror as Sakura followed him inside and locked the door behind them.


	15. Day 14: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 14**

_Warning__: Do not use this bleach on facial hair, chest hair, back hair, __**OR**__ pubic hair. (Seriously. It will cause your penis to EXPLODE!)_

"Dammit!" yelled Naruto, throwing the dye against the wall.

* * *

Loooove was in the air...no. Not quite love. The smell was a bit off.

"Hey baby, wanna go back to my room and freminifaflanyanthamah?" asked Lee, as he and Tenten linked arms.

"Rock Lee, you're a _dream boat_," Tenten sighed as she took the opportunity to grab Lee's spandex clad ass.

Because Chouji was still fasting for his first task, the malnourished boy had come to be as skinny as Ghandi, and Ino was all over him.

Meanwhile, as Shikamaru gave Temari a foot massage, Kankuro gently brushed Karasu's hair, and Gaara conversed with his mirror.

Sasuke and Sakura, rather then eating breakfast, had taken to staring at each other.

Sakura suddenly dropped her spork.

"I'll get it," said Sasuke, ducking under the table.

"No, I will!" said Sakura, diving under after him.

...The couple never returned.

This left Naruto and Hinata, who happened to be sitting next to each other, the only unoccupied people in the cafeteria. Both were violently twitching.

Naruto and Hinata slowly glanced at each other, but turning bright red, both quickly looked away again.

* * *

Naruto sighed as he leaned back in his bed that afternoon. Sasuke and Sakura were nowhere to be found. The blonde shuddered. He hoped they didn't stay together for long. It was just...weird. Plus, they just weren't meant for one another! Naruto shivered at the thought of his two best friends getting married:

_**Inside Naruto's head: **_

Sasuke walked into a beautiful sparkling mansion, smiling angelically. His arm was wrapped firmly around the shoulders of his doting wife Sakura. Followed behind them was a 7-year-old miniature Sasuke, skipping inside with a sheet of paper in hand.

"Mumsies! Daddie! I got an A+ on my Advanced Calculus Exam!" he said happily

Sasuke smiled more. "Well that's just JOLLY son!" he said. "FAMILY HUG!"

After hugging, they smiled even wider. "Why don't we go into the kitchen, and I'll whip up a nice big family lunch!" said Sakura.

"Even better, why don't _I_ whip up lunch!" laughed Sasuke.

"YAY!"

The three skipped into the kitchen, the freaky smile not once leaving their faces. Sakura and Jr. sat at the kitchen table, while Sasuke went to the refrigerator, preparing to make something French and exquisite.

When he opened the fridge door, his eyes seemed to widen. He slowly turned back to his family, the sharingan blazing. "Who - ate - my - salami!" Sasuke said, growing fangs.

Jr, who suddenly looked evil, hissed, turning left and right. "I don't kno-"

Sasuke bit his sons head off, chewing it, spitting it out, and then...somehow chewing it again.

The now headless Jr stood and ran out of the house, perhaps to attack some innocent passerby.

The angry Sasuke, still on the rampage, picked up Sakura and threw her out the nearest window. He then proceeded to bite, burn, and tear apart the kitchen, throwing furniture anywhere and everywhere.

...In the end, the investigator-nin found the salami...behind the apple juice...in the refrigerator...

_**End of Daydream:**_

Naruto found himself shuddering again, when he suddenly heard a light tap on the bedroom door. He blinked, and stood. _Not...Gaara?_ he thought, as he approached the door. Taking a deep breath, he swung it open-

-closed his eyes, ducked and covered, releasing a girlish shriek-

"Um...Naruto-kun..."

Naruto blinked, and slowly looked up. "H-Hinata-chan. It's just you," he said as he climbed back to his feet, feeling his face heat up.

The pair awkwardly stood for a moment simply blushing, Naruto scratching the back of his head, and Hinata pressing her pointer fingers together.

_Why does this feel so weird..._ Naruto wondered. He'd never felt uncomfortable around Hinata before. It was probably because his second task was constantly pestering the back of his mind. Sasuke was beating him, and there was nothing he could do about it. What girl in the world would want to kiss him?

Deflating slightly, Naruto looked back at Hinata. Her mouth opened then closed as though she wanted to say something but hadn't the nerve to do it.

Kiss. A...girl.

_Pretty girl._

"C-come in," Naruto couldn't understand why he was stuttering, as he walked to his bed, patting the space beside him.

Slowly, Hinata followed and took a seat. Both looked away from each other.

Naruto bit his mouth. _Not Sakura, not Ino...not Temari...not Tenten..._ they were all occupied with other guys. That just left...Hinata.

Naruto's blush deepened.

He had to complete his task at all cost.

He looked at Hinata's equally pink face.

_What is this feeling?_

"Hinata-chan," the blonde spoke slowly. "Can I...kiss you?"

The heiress stared at him, her blush intensifying. She couldn't seem to formulate a response, but her eyelids lowered and her lips parted.

_Just don't answer,_ Naruto thought, his face closing in on hers. _Don't think-_

A sudden gasp.

Naruto and Hinata looked up at a wide-eyed Sakura.

The blonde and the brunette, both bright red, began to stutter uncontrollably. Being that their babbling made no sense, Sakura merely grinned, and ran back out of the room.

Naruto sighed, thinking she had left to give them privacy. Oh how wrong he was.

"OI! EVERYONE! NARUTO AND HINATA ARE ABOUT TO **KISS**!"

And before Naruto could say, "Wha-?" he and Hinata were surrounded.

"I've been waiting for this," mentioned Ino, chowing down on popcorn, a starving Chouji sniffling beside her.

The mummy seemed to have the best seat, which was directly across from the blushing pair. He leaned forward and stared intently.

"Well what are you waiting for!" said Kiba, who had squeezed himself onto Shikamaru's bed with a few others.

"Yeah, c'mon, you pussy," Sasuke muttered, chewing on some dango. _I have the vague feeling that I'm forgetting something..._ he thought, as he stared down at the sweets in his plate.

Naruto and Hinata were left gaping in shock, their faces blue.

"KISS! KISS! KISS!" everyone chanted.


	16. Day 15: Inside the Closet

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

Hinata ran out of the room before her head could explode solely from blood-rush.

Naruto twitched. "You idiots!" he yelled.

Everyone recoiled as though they were actually afraid of him. Then again, he _had _kicked most of their asses.

"I'm going after her," the fox-boy declared, heading for the door. He paused, and looked oddly at the group. "Sasuke...aren't you allergic to dango?"

Sasuke's eyes widened. "Eh...heh..." he said, before jumping out the nearest (closed) window and making a mad dash for the hospital.

Unfortunately, his throat closed up, and he lost consciousness before he could make it. A random fan-girl with a rather large net found him though, and dragged his carcass away...somewhere else. Don't worry though, that never really happened!

"No I'm not," said Sasuke, twitching. "Sweets just...make me...hyperactive..." he dropped the dango, realizing this a little too late.

Naruto blinked. "Oh," he said, and ran out of the room.

**Day 15**

Naruto growled up at the ceiling the next morning. He hadn't found Hinata anywhere the previous day, and feared she had run away - FOREVER!

"Eugh."

Naruto glanced across the room where Sasuke was getting up from the ground. He had apparently rolled out of bed during the night. Naruto eyed the enormous drool-stains on the carpet. He had heard the other boy bouncing around and releasing high-pitched giggles around midnight, but had simply brushed it off as a "Sasuke thing." The Uchiha glared at him with blood-shot eyes, before walking into the bathroom, his left shoulder violently twitching.

Naruto sighed, deciding to yell...for no particular reason, "HINATAAAAAAAA!"

"Shut the fuck up," Sasuke called from the bathroom.

"Loser," Shikamaru lazily mumbled in his sleep.

* * *

That afternoon Naruto made an amazing discovery. Yes, Uzumaki Naruto, with the attention span of a diseased cantaloupe, made a discovery. He had realized why he found himself blushing whenever Hinata was around, and why he felt the odd need to flash her again.

He...liked...her.

And he had to kiss her!

So what better way to court a girl than with a love letter.

And so he wrote:

_Dear, dear, dear, dearest,_

_My passion for you burns with the...uh...passion...of TWO thousand suns._

_Oh how I want to love you, to see you, to touch you, to kiss you, to smell you..._

Naruto paused, just in time to realize that he sucked. "Dammit, I'm a failure as a writer!" said Bullwinkle - er, I mean, Naruto, tears pouring down his cheeks. And with that, he dropped his beautiful letter and stormed out of the room.

A few moments later Sasuke entered the room. Tired, and intending to take a small nap, he blinked, noticing a letter left on his pillow. Glancing down at it, he realized that it was in Naruto's handwriting. Looking it over, Sasuke found himself rather disturbed, but not too surprised. Nope. Not surprised at all.

"Hey," said a curious voice.

Sasuke looked up and spotted Shikamaru. _Der..._ was all the Uchiha could think, before hastily handing the love letter to him and shuffling out of the room.

Glancing the letter over, Shikamaru turned blue. _I knew that guy was gay!_ he thought, freaked out that Sasuke wanted to do all those - _things_ - to him.

"Hey, have you seen Sasuke?" an annoying voice interrupted his reading.

Shikamaru glanced at Sakura, who stood in the doorway. "Er, no, this is for you!" he said, handing Sasuke's love letter to the boy's girlfriend.

Sakura blinked down at the letter, her eyes widening in shock. "I always knew you wanted me!" she hissed.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "That's not from me, it's from-"

Shikamaru was knocked unconscious before he could finish.

_He looks so peaceful,_ Sakura thought, giving him a little kiss on the forehead before skipping out of the room.

* * *

Shikamaru wined loudly at dinner as Temari kissed his boo-boos.

"What happened to you?" his girlfriend asked.

"Uh..." said Shikamaru awkwardly. "It was Gaara...yeah," he lied.

Naruto shivered as he watched the scene. Kami, he hoped those two didn't stay together! Naruto shuddered at the thought of Shikamaru and Temari's married life. He could only imagine...

_**Inside Naruto's head:**_

Shikamaru lay dead on the ground.

_**End of Daydream:**_

Naruto blinked. _Well that wasn't very interesting,_ he thought in annoyance as he exited the cafeteria and spotted a certain someone.

"Hinata!" said Naruto in surprise. "I thought you had disappeared - forever!"

Hinata blushed. "I was just in my room," she said awkwardly.

* * *

"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss," everyone chanted...only in whispers this time. The thirteen chuunin had squeezed themselves into a tiny closet to observe the scene, Sasuke, again, chewing on dango.

_I don't even __**like**__ sweets..._ Sasuke realized, continuing to compulsively shove the dango into his mouth. "Ohhh yeahhhhh..." he shuddered orgasmically, his eyelids fluttering like those of a crackhead's.

Lee was passionately crying. "Naruto and Hinata...and springtime...youthful goodness! ...All right, so I don't really know what I'm talking about," he admitted in a curious British accent, revealing the onion he kept in his shirt at all times. "I just want to please that Gai fellow. My tears aren't real...and neither are my eyebrows..." He put on a pair of eyeglasses and chortled merrily.

Everyone was shocked by the revelation, but too uncomfortable to express it.

"Ack...I can't...breathe..."

"Meow."

"OW!"

"Move over!"

"Who the fuck just pinched my ass?"

"I still...can't breathe..."

"THEY'RE GONE!" Kiba exclaimed.

Everyone looked up to see that Naruto and Hinata had indeed disappeared.

"Okay..." said Sasuke, his shoulder beginning to spasm again. "Then let me out of here...AND STOP PINCHING MY ASS!"

"Open the door!" said Chouji.

"Arf! Arf!" said Akamaru.

"Crikey!" said Lee.

"How troublesome," said Shikamaru.

"LET US OUT!" everyone complained.

The mummy seemed to be blocking the exit. "No," he said, white eyes gleaming. "We stay here together - _forever!_"

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

"For the love of Jashin!"

"Let us out!"

"The mummy can talk?"

"It's getting hot in here," Sasuke found himself blurting out. "I think I'm gonna take all of my clothes off..."

As the men released terrified wails, the girls released shrieks of happiness.

"Together forever..." said the mummy.


	17. Day 16: I Say it's Puberty!

**Boys and Girls **

by Bullwinkle's Lady

His lips brushed lightly against hers. When the small, awkward, exchange was over, Naruto pulled away and stared into her blushing face, deciding that he had rather liked kissing Hinata.

-and that he was embarrassed as hell!

"Uh, well, heheh, bye then!" said Naruto, storming out of the room and never looking back.

**Day 16**

At breakfast, Sasuke was nowhere to be seen, but there was a large, hideous, bat-winged creature - wearing dark lipstick - flying around the ceiling. ...It was sort of freaking people out, but, like most things they feared, the chunnin examiners had taken to pretending not to notice it.

Naruto had entered the cafeteria, his face a deep shade of red. He and Hinata were looking everywhere but at each other, neither knowing just what was next.

Lee, meanwhile, was reading his second task, which read: _Strip dance you sexy mofo._

He blinked. _I'll do it Gai-sensei!_ thought Lee, tears pouring down his cheeks. _For the springtime of youth!_

When Rock Lee leapt onto the breakfast table in front of Shikamaru that morning, the lazy chunnin dropped his fork in surprise and confusion.

And then...Lee began to dance. A dance so odd, it hypnotized everyone.

With a subtle jerk, Lee had pulled down the collar of his green jump suit, exposing a tan shoulder.

"OH KAMI NOOOOOOO!" said Shikamaru in realization, but he was far too late. He attempted to warn the others, but was again, hypnotized, by Lee's strange movements.

Slowly, Lee continued to dance in the stunned silence of the cafeteria, until finally, he dropped his pants, and all hell broke loose.

"OH MY GOD!"

"MY EYES! THEY BUUUUUURRRRN!"

"GAAAH! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A PENIS?"

"RETREAT! RETREEEAAAT!" screamed Shikamaru, being the strategist that he was. As everyone ran to the exit, they realized, in horror, that the door was locked.

"Why is everything black?" whispered Chouji, his eyes glazed over.

"Chouji, NOOOO!" cried Shikamaru.

Eventually Shino decided to take action, and everyone awoke hours later to find that Lee's unconscious, rubbery, body had been stuffed into a trashcan.

"It's a Christmas miracle," whispered Shikamaru, his wallet missing, but appreciative nonetheless.

* * *

Upon returning to his room, Naruto discovered Sasuke lying on the ground unconscious. His shirt was in tatters, and there was a bit of blood - syrup - drooling from the corner of his mouth.

Naruto ran to his teammate, shaking him roughly. "Sasuke! Sasuke, what happened?"

Slowly, Sasuke opened his eyes. He tensed, eyes darting wildly around the room, until finally they rested on Naruto. "I..." he said weakly. "A-All I can remember...is dango..."

Naruto blinked, and unceremoniously dropped his friend ("oof").

"Oh," muttered Naruto, plopping onto his bed. It seemed that it was just another "Sasuke thing." Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto watched the Uchiha scuttle beneath Shikamaru's bed, muttering something about having to get out of the sunlight.

Naruto sighed, his mind returning to Hinata. He glanced at the task board where two check marks were visible beneath his name. He sighed again. He had completed the second task but...Hinata...

_What are we?_

* * *

Sakura had eventually entered the room and convinced Sasuke to come out from underneath Shikamaru's bed. With a loving embrace, Sakura pulled her hands through her boyfriend's hair, all while murmuring that she would take care of him. Ok...so that never actually happened. She really just poked him with a stick a few times until he crawled out from under the bed and retreated into the laundry hamper, but same damn thing!

Naruto shook his head as Sakura shrugged.

"I say it's puberty!" the kunoichi declared.

Naruto sputtered. "Pu-pu-pu-"

"Yeah, haven't you noticed how high and squeaky Chouji's voice has gotten lately?"

"Uh..."

"And that horrible goatee Shikamaru's grown?"

"Der..."

"And the fact that Lee grew twelve feet tall over night!"

"Er..."

"So I say it's puberty!"

Naruto suddenly found himself in a very awkward position. "Yeah, well, I'm...going through...the same things!" he said.

Sakura just gave him a sad look.

* * *

Lunch that day (in Naruto's opinion) was horrible! Shikamaru continuously played his fingers through his _fabulous_ goatee, while Sasuke (who had finally come out from the hamper) released a very manly sneeze. Chouji squeaked by, and Lee impressed everyone with his amazing tallness.

Naruto growled into his cereal. Life wasn't fair! He wanted excess facial hair! He deserved a voice that cracked non-stop. He wanted to...fear...sunlight. And more than anything, he _needed _to be twelve feet tall!

"Um...Naruto-kun."

Naruto looked up in surprise to see Hinata.

"I w-wanted to know i-if I could s-sp-speak to you in the hall...a-alone?"

_Deja vu_

Naruto distinctly remembered being karate-chopped in the head, but looked at Hinata, and decided he'd risk it.

* * *

"Uh, what's wrong Hinata-chan?" Naruto asked, blushing. The girl was staring at her feet and pressing her pointer fingers together. It was utterly cute.

Hinata slowly looked up, wearing a small, nervous, smile.

_Wait,_ Naruto realized. It wasn't a nervous smile. It was more like...shy...happy?...TOO-happy...EVIL! It was _EVIL!_

"Uh...Hinata-chan?" said Naruto, backing away as she slowly approached him.


	18. Day 17: PMS

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 17**

_Dear Orochimaru-sama,_

_I find myself writing this letter because..._

_Oh Kami, I miss you so much!_

_Why'd you have to die? Why did you have to leave me here with these __**weirdos**__!_

A few salty tears splattered the paper.

At the odd looks he was receiving from his roommates, Sasuke stood and shuffled away (sniffling).

"Er..." said Shikamaru awkwardly, trying to ignore the fact that Sasuke was crying. "So Naruto...what happened between you and Hinata?"

Naruto's eyes widened. "Hinata - is - my - girlfriend," he said, robot-style. "I - love - her - very - much."

"Er...okay," said Shikamaru, wondering whether he was the only sane person left...as he ran his fingers through his FABULOUS goatee.

* * *

Kankuro and Karasu were rolling around and making out on a breakfast table, however, like most things they feared, the other chunnin examiners had taken to ignoring it.

Lee, meanwhile, was crying in a corner, Tenten having left him for someone else.

"You. Me. We mate now," said the mummy, grabbing Tenten's arm and dragging her away.

"Oh mummy, you're a _dreamboat,_" Tenten sighed.

Naruto was fanning Hinata with a gigantic leaf, a psychotic smile plastered across his face, as Sakura silently pet the head of a whimpering Sasuke, who was whimpering, due to the fact that he couldn't figure out why he was whimpering! (**p**uberty...sure...u**m**, of cour**s**e...let's go with that...)

Kiba clipped his toenails over his eggs, and Shino fluffed his groovy afro. Shikamaru and Temari were feeding each other, while Ino counted Choji's ribs, and Gaara made sweet love to a hot cherry pie.

Yes, it was just another ordinary breakfast.

* * *

Kakashi watched as all of these relationships unfolded (via binoculars), and that afternoon, decided it was time for him to step in.

And that he did. Quite literally.

"What the hell are you doing here!" yelled Shikamaru in annoyance.

"Meow?" said Kakashi - er - _the cat,_ innocently.

"I said go away! You're not supposed to be here!"

"MEOW!"

When the cat viciously clawed at him, Shikamaru stumbled away clutching his face. "My eyes, my eyes!" he screeched, blood pouring down his face.

Hastily pushing the blinded Shikamaru out the (second story) window, Kakashi turned around just as Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura entered the room.

Sasuke had tears running down his cheeks.

"Er...what's wrong with _you_?" Kakashi said, feeling simultaneously curious and terrified.

"I..." said Sasuke. "I found..." he bit his bottom lip. "-a gray hair!"

Kakashi backed away, frightened.

"He's been like this all week," Sakura mentioned, as Naruto tugged on one of Kakashi's arms, bothering him about the third task.

"Hm...I've seen this before," Kakashi muttered thoughtfully.

"You have?" asked Sakura, worriedly.

Kakashi nodded. "I'll just give him a _good-"_ and with that, Kakashi slapped Sasuke...numerous times. He then complied to throw him down a flight of stairs, repetitively close the door of a refrigerator on his head, beat him with a toaster, and kick him. He kicked the _shit_ out of him.

"Damn you father!" yelled Kakashi, giving Sasuke another good _kick_. "DAMN YOU!"

As Kakashi leapt upon the boy in an attempt to strangle him, Naruto and Sakura took this as their cue to hold him back.

Finally recalling his whereabouts, the furious Kakashi calmed down. He cleared his throat. "Ahem," he said, as though he _hadn't_ just beaten the living shit out of one of his subordinates. "Please observe."

Blinking, Naruto and Sakura turned to their teammate who was just regaining consciousness. Luckily, his perfect face had been left unmarred (unfortunately, the same couldn't be said for his teeth...). "Hn, what's going on?" the Uchiha muttered...with a lisp.

"He's back to normal!" cried Sakura.

"See?" said Kakashi proudly.

"Where am I?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi blinked.

"Take me back to the ocean!" said Sasuke, starting to freak out.

"Kakashi-sensei..." said Sakura slowly.

"I can't breathe! I can't breathe!" Sasuke was now screaming as he tried to get up, but only flopped back down on his face. He began to wiggle his limbs. "Where are my fins?" his breathing became ragged. "Water..." he said weakly. "I need water."

"Er..." was all that Kakashi could devise as Naruto grinned in delight and Sakura screamed in horror. "Let's try this again, shall we?"

After a few more violent beatings, it seemed that Sasuke was finally back to normal.

"Why can't I move my body?"

For the most part.

"Anyway," said Kakashi, ignoring the battered Sasuke. "The reason why I came here today-"

"Other than to torture Sasuke-kun?" Sakura butted in, giving her boyfriend worried looks.

"The reason I came here today..." repeated Kakashi, trying his best to ignore her.

"To give us the third task?" asked Naruto.

Kakashi sighed. "The reason-" he glared at his subordinates. "I - came - here - today..." he paused. "Is to give you the sex talk."

Their reactions were rather...exuberant.

"Again?" asked Naruto, as Sakura furiously shook her head. Sasuke was frantically trying to make his way under Shikamaru's bed, inchworm style.

Kakashi resorted to tying the three together and sitting them in the center of the room. Oh how fun this would be.

"All right," said Kakashi. "The thing you have to know..." and with that, the jounin went into a three-hour long presentation, during which, there were many tears, many cries of "KAMI NO," much gouging of the eyeballs, and even more whimpering.

"Any questions?" Kakashi asked his sweating team when it was finally over.

"Yeah."

Sasuke and Sakura stared at Naruto in shock.

"Why does everyone think me and Sasuke are gay?"

Sasuke and Sakura blinked, but were rather curious of the matter themselves.

"Well," said Kakashi. "It's the way you say Sasuke."

Naruto blinked.

"You put a pause between the 'Sasu,' and the, 'ke,' and make it sound more like, 'Sas...kay.' Face it Naruto. You turn his name into an orgasmic whimper."

Naruto's eyes were wide as Sasuke edged away from him...as little good as that did.

"And Sasuke, you tend to give Naruto these cute little smirks, and often call him things like, 'dobe,' and 'dummy,' and 'chuckle-head,' and once I think that I even heard you call him a 'silly-goose.' They're technically pet-names, and, it's just...weird."

It was Sasuke's turn to gape like a fool.

"...Or maybe it's just the fact that you kiss..." muttered Kakashi thoughtfully.

"I'D NEVER WILLINGLY KISS SAS-KAY!" yelled Naruto, as Sasuke said, "I ONLY KISSED THAT DOBE _ONCE!"_

"Oh Kami, they're gay!" cried Sakura tearfully.

"WE'RE NOT GAY!"

* * *

"Definitely not gay," Sakura whimpered that evening underneath the dinner table (Choji's feet occasionally poking her in the ribs). "I'm so glad you're back to normal, Sasu...ke."

It was true. Sasuke was completely back to normal, in every way, shape, and form. He had even managed to glue his broken teeth back into his mouth...for some reason.

The Uchiha momentarily froze, and pulled away from her embrace. "Don't say my name like that," he scowled.

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I see. Only _Naruto _can call you _that."_

His cheek twitched. "Actually, yes. _You _can call me Sasuke-kun." Slowly he smirked. "It sounds so...soo..."

"You are so gay," mumbled Sakura, kissing him again.


	19. Day 18: Who is the True Uke?

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 18**

Naruto reached his bedroom door, only to hear moaning. Loud - orgasmic - moaning.

"What's going on in here!" said Naruto as he threw the door open, only to see two people, sitting on a bed, fully clothed...staring blankly at him.

Naruto blinked at Sasuke and Sakura. "What the hell were you guys doing?" he questioned suspiciously.

The Uchiha twitched. "She was healing my shoulder," he said.

Naruto stared.

"It feels really good!" Sasuke snarled defensively, annoyed by the odd look he was receiving.

Naruto blinked, scratching the back of his head. "I just never knew your voice could get that high..."

Growling, Sasuke stood and stomped out of the room. "I'm going to the cafeteria," he stated.

"I have to go the cafeteria," mentioned Sakura, quickly following Sasuke out the door.

Naruto sighed. _I'm sure you do,_ he thought sarcastically, as his mind drifted to his own "girlfriend." Was that how he and Hinata were supposed to behave? Then why were things so...why did he feel so...what the-?

* * *

"WHY AM I THE UKE?" Naruto yelled.

Hinata's face was bright red. "Naruto-kun, wh-what are you talking about?"

Naruto grabbed her shoulders, shaking her roughly. "You know what I mean! Why am I the girl! On bottom! The one who's always being connived into weird things!"

Hinata glanced away suspiciously. "I have no idea what you're..."

"You damn well do!" There was fire in his eyes.

Hinata shivered. "Oh Na-Naruto-kun, you're being s-so forceful," she mumbled. "I-I'm ge-getting s-so sca-scared...and hot all over."

It was Naruto's turn to stutter. "Wh-wh-what?"

Naruto didn't know what happened, how or why, but the next thing he knew, he was buck naked, chained to a pole, in what seemed to be the basement. The sound of dripping water echoed throughout the dark, extremely cold, room.

"It rubs the lotion on its skin," Hinata mentioned as she slammed and locked the only exit.

* * *

Gaara and Kankuro, yes, Kankuro, were both eating from a plate of spaghetti, slurping the noodles the old fashioned way, when suddenly both found themselves slurping upon the same noodle - and they had no way to stop it! As the noodle drew their lips closer and closer, their mouths met in a small brotherly kiss. IT WAS SO CUTE!

Ahem, but aside from that, Sasuke and Sakura had taken a seat across from Ino and Chouji. Yes, Ino and Chouji. Together the four (all of who were on intense diets, minus Chouji who was fasting) nibbled on their plates of spinach, when-

"Hey," Sakura suddenly said. "I was thinking...if Naruto and Sasuke _were_ gay, who do you think the uke would be?"

-Sasuke fell over.

Ino blinked, thoughtfully rubbing her chin. "Naruto!" she proclaimed.

"Yeah, but Sas-_UKE_'s so thin and frail," mentioned Tenten, accentuating on the "uke" in Sasuke's name. She had mysteriously appeared at the table beside Chouji, but no one really minded, because she wasn't important anyway.

"Yeah, but his voice is low. He could never make the true wail of a uke!" Temari joined in, leaping onto the table from out of nowhere. One of her high-heeled feet landed cleanly in Ino's plate of spinach, causing the younger kunoichi to growl.

"You'd be surprised," mentioned Sakura, just as Sasuke climbed back up to his seat - and then fell over again.

"I definitely would not be uke!" Sasuke growled from the ground. ...wait a minute... "I'M NOT GAY!"

In a matter of seconds, a girl fight had broken out. Temari scratched Sasuke. Sasuke slapped Ino. Sakura clawed Tenten's left eyeball out.

Oh the horror.


	20. Day 19: Lose Your Virginity

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 19**

Sasuke reached his bedroom door, only to hear moaning. Loud - orgasmic - moaning.

"What's the fuck is going on in here!" said Sasuke as he threw the door open, only to see two people, sitting on a bed, fully clothed...staring blankly at him.

Sakura smiled weakly as Lee shifted uncomfortably. "Sakura-san was just healing my-" Lee was interrupted when the Uchiha promptly decapitated him with the cleaver he kept in his pants (at all times).

...Ok, maybe he didn't. Maybe...he just knocked Lee unconscious. Yeah, let's go with that.

"I'm going to the kitchen," mentioned Sasuke, as he exited the room.

"Gotta get to the kitchen," said Sakura, stepping on Lee's face as she exited the room.

* * *

"Oh, Hinata-chan!" cried Naruto, when he was finally freed from the cold, dark, place. He hugged her tightly (for body warmth) and whimpered into her pullover. From that day forth, Naruto knew never _ever_ to mess with, yell at...anger...annoy...or discomfort, Hyuuga Hinata. "Forgive me! You are always right! I am always wrong, and shall never ever defy you again, my queen! _Let me bare your children!_"

"Oh it's okay Naruto-kun," mentioned Hinata, lightly petting the blonde's head as he broke into tears of happiness (upon seeing sunlight again).

* * *

That afternoon Naruto and Sasuke decided that it was time they started searching for their third tasks.

"Not here," said Sasuke dully, after searching all of the drawers and cupboards in the room.

"Not here," Naruto said, checking underneath each bed.

After a small while of searching, the boys got a little _**too **_into it. Tearing the bedroom apart searching up and down, Naruto and Sasuke had soon resorted to eating garbage, tearing apart mattresses (only Shikamaru's), and "marking" things.

Sasuke made a few choice hand seals before setting the curtains on fire.

Naruto meanwhile was preparing the rasengan.

"Ahem."

Naruto and Sasuke looked up in surprise at Kakashi. They froze like deer caught in headlights.

"I'm sorry for interrupting...er..." Kakashi trailed off, his head tilted. He eyed the bit of toilet paper hanging out of the corner of Naruto's mouth, the cheerfully crackling curtains as they burned merrily into the...afternoon, and lastly, the suspicious yellow stains covering the walls. "I came to give you...your third tasks."

Unfreezing, Naruto and Sasuke began to hop around excitedly...ok, just Naruto.

"C'mon," said the Uchiha.

"GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME!" said Naruto.

"OH YES! YEEEESSSSSSS!"

"OH MY GAAAAAAAAWWDDD!"

Kakashi eyed the boys, uneasily backing away from them. Did they really _**wonder**_ why people thought they were gay? "I understand that you're excited..." said the jounin. "But those _sounds _- have _nothing _to do with me giving you your tasks!"

Naruto and Sasuke stared blankly at him.

"Anyway, for the third tasks, I decided to have fun with it," Kakashi continued, too frightened to argue further. "I am giving each of you a riddle. Until you solve it, you cannot have your task."

"Okay!" said Naruto excitedly, as Sauske simply "hn"ed.

"All right, Sasuke first," said Kakashi, rubbing his gloved hands together. "What has four legs, a wet nose, and meows?"

"A dog!" said Sasuke without thinking.

"Meow! Correct! Here's your third task!" said Kakashi, handing his student a slip of paper.

In the cafeteria, Shikamaru slapped himself, though he didn't know quite why.

"Naruto, convert zero, one, zero, one, one, one, one, one, one, zero, from binary to octal."

"What?" said Naruto, stunned. "DER! Is that even a riddle?"

"Sure," Kakashi responded suspiciously.

Sasuke glanced down at his slip of paper which read: _Lose your virginity._

The Uchiha face vaulted...and couldn't get back up. "W-wh-what is this!" he growled into the ground, his face red and body twitching. He climbed to his feet and clutched his chest. _Breathe..._ he told himself, feeling faint. _BREATHE!_

Blinking, Kakashi glanced down at the slip. "Oh, Sasuke, gomen, gomen. I think I gave you the wrong task." He quickly took Sasuke's slip away and replaced it with another.

_Defeat everyone._

Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. As vague as this task was, it still wasn't as bad as the former.

"This one's for Sakura," Kakashi added absentmindedly.

Everything went black.


	21. Day 20: Where is My Gourd?

**Guys, Just Guys**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 20**

Gaara rolled out of bed that morning as he usually did, only for his body to smack painfully against the ground - NOT SAND! He slowly sat up and looked around, his eyes wide...then again, they always were. "My...gourd..." He suddenly felt completely naked. Then again...he was.

Gaara's gourd, indeed, was missing.

After a moment of violent twitching, Gaara suddenly realized that there was a small slip of paper stuck to his pouchy baby-like cheek. (Which cheek you ask? I'll leave that for _you _to decide.)

After quickly detaching it, he stared down at the _evil _writing.

_Survive ten days without your gourd._

Gaara continued to stare, a twitch developing under his eye. Who - the - hell - would – dare!

And so, the violent twitching commenced.

(Bullwinkle: No, Gaara doesn't necessarily need his gourd to use sand. ...He just forgot. He like _totally forgot!_)

* * *

The plan was set. He was going to avoid his girlfriend while keeping his eye on all prospective deflower-ers. His dignity, he would simply have to sacrifice.

Uchiha Sasuke glanced back and forth, before quickly entering the secret room behind the statue of the sexy naked gargoyle. Looking up, he cleared his throat. "Thank you all for coming."

In the room were gathered Kiba, Chouji, a rather battered-looking Gaara, Shikamaru, and the mummy. All sat in the laps of giant purple teddy bears, their legs crossed as they listened intently.

"I would like to commence with the first ever SMA meeting," muttered Sasuke.

"SMA?" Shikamaru asked. "What does SMA stand for?"

The Uchiha coughed something.

"Come again?"

"The sexy male association."

"Sexy male association?"

As Gaara and the mummy silently nodded, Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, and Chouji threw hungry looks around the room (interpret that however you please). Kiba meanwhile seemed confused.

"And we were hand picked...by you?" Shikamaru asked.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched.

"OH MY GOOOODDDDD!"

"EWWWW!"

"You. Me. We mate now."

"ENOUGH!" spat Sasuke. "That is not the point!"

He was again interrupted as the group changed the topic.

"Why can't we be the association of sexy men? ASM?" suggested Kiba.

"Or just Sexy Males? S and M."

"Does it really make a difference?" asked Shikamaru. "And why am I considered sexy? I look high! All - the - time!"

"True, true," said the mummy.

"That's what's so sexy about you," said Kiba.

Dead silence.

"Meeting adjourned!" said Sasuke.

* * *

Lunch was no better. Sasuke had decided to sit with the SMA, as well as some of the other guys.

The Uchiha, who was still on an intense diet, munched on a salad. Chouji sipped on water, and Kiba ate fruit salad. Shino didn't eat much, Gaara was too cool to eat, and the mummy _couldn't_ eat for his mouth was bandaged over. Lee gulped down cans of spinach, Shikamaru picked at a plate of 'shrooms, and Kankuro made sweet love to a hot cherry pie.

Oh yeah, and Naruto was eating a hamburger. Yes, Naruto was the only one actually eating real food.

"This is a great hamburger! Believe it!" said Naruto, in the voice of a seven-year-old American boy.

As some threw the blonde odd looks, a few others edged away from him, terrified.

"Why is he speaking English?" whispered Chouji.

Sasuke merely shook his head.

"Anyway..." Shikamaru randomly changed the subject, "Did you see that hot original character in the corridor?"

"Believe it!" exclaimed Naruto. "She gave me a lap dance, that she did!" And as an after thought, he added, "Believe it!"

Ignoring him, Lee said, "And she had beautiful-"

"Green."

"Blue."

"White!"

"Brown."

"-eyes."

The men blinked before they all started glaring at each other.

"She definitely had green eyes," the Uchiha said conclusively.

"No, they were definitely white!" said Naruto. "Believe it!"

"Green and brown! Brownish green!" Lee angrily suggested.

As the other boys carried on with the argument, Sasuke glanced across the cafeteria at Sakura who sat with Ino, Hinata, Tenten (who was wearing an eye patch), and Temari. Sakura looked especially purty that day. And the others - they looked like beasts. Hideous beasts, dammit!

"So, are you guys coming to the party?" Kankuro's voice suddenly pulled Sasuke from his thoughts. He looked up.

"My room. Six o'clock. No girls allowed," Kankuro was saying.

No girls allowed?

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Sasuke quickly said.

"I'll be there! Believe it!" said Naruto.

"YES!" said Lee.

"HELL YEAH!" said Chouji.

"BABY!"

"GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!"

"OH YEESSSS! YESSSSSSSSSSS!"

...it didn't strike anyone as odd that Kankuro was throwing a "Boys Only" party in his bedroom...


	22. Night 20: Kankuro's Party

**Guys, just Guys**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 20.5**

Chouji stared uneasily down at his second task, which read: _Eat Akamaru! EAT HIM!_

Damn, Asuma was friggin weird...

* * *

Kankuro's "party" was...ah...erm...well, there was pie. Lots and lots of pie.

The SMA had formed a close-knit group around the punch bowl. Gaara by then had two black eyes, a bloody nose, and looked as though he had just returned from a month in the wild. His clothing was in tatters, and he was extremely, extremely, _extremely_ dirty. Upon receiving a pat on the back from his older brother, Gaara had collapsed to the ground.

The rest of the SMA stood around him, unsure of whether or not they were supposed to help him. Privately...no one wanted to touch him.

On the stereo Kankuro was playing a CD of Barry Manilow's greatest hits, the song **Copacabana** echoing throughout the otherwise quiet...extremely quiet...room.

"...What are we doing here?" Naruto whispered to Lee, staring, entranced as Kankuro and Karasu did a little jig on the other side of the room. All of the other guests were completely frozen in place, except for the mummy, who had keeled over dead.

"...I don't know," said Lee slowly. "But this party is AWESOME!"

As Lee joined in with Kankuro and Karasu's mysterious dance, the other men remained frozen.

_**Meanwhile, outside the window...with binoculars...**_

"Y'know," Kakashi muttered thoughtfully. "They could create the ultimate, never-ending, gay wheel..."

On either side of him, Kurenai and Asuma nodded in agreement.

_**Back to Kankuro's bedroom...**_

Chouji shuffled uneasily. _This is my chance..._ he thought, slowly edging toward Kiba. The dog-boy held Akamaru in his coat that day...where he was doing the boy certain sexual favors...

Ahem!

Chouji slowly approached the boy and his dog. The plan was the grab Akamaru and get the hell out. _Now!_ Chouji told himself, diving for the dog.

-suddenly the lights went out, turning the room pitch black.

"EEK!"

"I'M SCARED!"

"Hold me!"

When the lights came back on a moment later, Chouji found that his teeth were lodged within Kiba's shoulder.

_Hm...this isn't right,_ thought Chouji. And then, as an afterthought, _Mmmm, tasty..._

"AH! You bit me!" said Kiba in shock. His expression had oddly gone from happy, to indifferent, to sad, and finally betrayed. "You...you're a jerk! You're a jerk! I can't believe you bit me...you jerk!"

"Uh, sorry," mumbled Chouji, unlocking his jaw, and taking a step away. "It was an...accident?" He watched as Akamaru yipped and moved to Kiba's back, like some sort of enormous bulging...thing. Chouji sighed. I guess I'll just have to try again...

Suddenly the lights went out again.

Sasuke held in a scream of terror, and was simply thankful they turned back on a moment later.

But...wait a minute...

"Where's my shirt?" said Sasuke, horrified. He quickly covered his nipples, eying everyone suspiciously. All right, now he was starting to freak out.

"Hey, calm down everyone," said Kankuro, who had thankfully stopped dancing. "It's just a little electricity problem." He held up an empty _Zima_ bottle. "Lets play spin the-" as he said this, the lights went out again.

Someone released a high-pitched shriek. Hm, I wonder who it was...

A few seconds later, the lights came back on.

Chouji's teeth were lodged within Kiba's skull, Sasuke had been stripped down to socks and boxers, and -gasp- **Shikamaru lay dead on the ground!**

...Along with Gaara...and the mummy...

No one really cared though.

Sasuke was seriously having a hissy fit. He hid himself behind the last two conscious SMA members. "I swear, if the lights go off one more time-!"

And that they did...merely to spite him, actually.

When they came back on for the final time, surprisingly everything was normal. Sasuke had been stripped no further, Kiba had not been bitten again, and no one else had died.

Only...a sexy mysterious original character had appeared in the center of the room.

When Kankuro looked at her, he saw the woman of his dreams.

When Sasuke looked at her, he saw a green-eyed, pink haired, girl, with a nice, _narrow_, forehead. Hm, she looked sort of familiar...like someone he knew. Sasuke just couldn't put his finger on who.

When Chouji looked at her, he saw a woman with blue eyes, blonde hair, but no mouth. Where her mouth should have been, there was just - skin! She was covered in gravy, and wearing edible panties.

When Naruto looked at her, he saw Hyuuga Hinata.

When Kiba looked at her, he saw some sort of mutant human/animal creature, covered in brown fur, and baring fangs.

"She is so hot," all of the guys sighed in unison.

And so, the party commenced.

The extremely hot original character gave out free lap dances, did a few "jobs," and ultimately stole all of their credit cards. And so ended Kankuro's awesome party. The boys would later find that all of their identities had been stolen on that fateful night, and that they were each in massive debt from alleged long distance telephone calls to some guy named Vlachko in Russia, but that was just okay.


	23. Day 21: The Ultimate Battle

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 21**

"Winter is coming early this year!" Jiraya said excitedly on that warm summer day. "It's time to get ready for Christmas!"

Jiraya pranced about his...home...searching for all of his Christmas things. "Now where did I put those reindeer?"

Rudolph continued to cry to himself. He was stuffed in a closet with Dasher, Donner, Cupid, Comet, Blixen, and all of those other stupid reindeer. "I'm sooo hungry," Rudolph said to himself in _Reindeer lingo_. "It's not fair - that bastard can't just stuff us in a closet for eleven months!" Rudolph slowly turned to the other suffocating reindeer. "I think that it's time for revenge!"

**...um...yeah...back to the story...**

Sasuke eyed Shikamaru oddly that morning. "I thought you died," he muttered.

Shikamaru shrugged. "I got tired of standing, so faked it," he muttered. He then looked Sasuke straight in the eye. "I fake everything." There was a dramatic pause. _"Everything."_

"Er..." said Sasuke.

* * *

Sakura looked for Sasuke that morning at breakfast, only to spot him sitting with Kiba, Gaara, Shikamaru, Chouji, and the mummy...AGAIN!

Sakura cracked her knuckles. "I can take them on," she muttered to herself. Gaara was gourd-less, Shikamaru was probably high, Chouji was weak from hunger, and the mummy was a mummy. Her only challenge would be Kiba who she could take out with one swift kick to the gonads, and then Sasuke was all hers!

Sakura stomped over to the table, "GIVE ME BACK MY BOYF-!" Unfortunately, her body froze, as well as everything else in the cafeteria, when Shino stood to his feet.

The bug-man removed his groovy sunglasses to reveal glowing green...things. They weren't really eyeballs. They actually looked like jellybeans, but they - GLOWED. "You are all now under my command," Shino said monotonously.

"I-is this one of your tasks?" Tenten asked fearfully.

"No," said Shino.

In a matter of moments, Shikamaru was doing drunken back flips, Sasuke was eating globs of mayo, and Chouji was tap dancing in a purple tutu. Ino was putting on a tabletop strip show, Tenten was fervently smearing herself with chocolate pudding, and Naruto was doing belly flops around the cafeteria. Gaara and the mummy had gotten into a death match, Temari was making out with Akamaru, and Sakura and Hinata were having a catfight. Kiba, lucky bastard, only had to lick a cactus for three hours, and Kankuro was forced to eat - an extremely violated - hot cherry pie.

And Lee...Shino's gaze didn't effect Lee. His eyeballs were superior!

Defeating Shino with his awesome skillz, Lee ended the bug-man's horrifying reign, and Shino was never seen or heard from again.

...Nah, just joking. Lee sat back and enjoyed the show, pointing, blushing, wincing, and giggling, and whatnot.

* * *

Sasuke trudged out of the bathroom. He had spent the past three hours vomiting -cough-bulimia-cough- what with having been forced to consume twelve containers of mayo.

He shuddered, silently cursing Shino, and vowing to avenge...uh...whatever. The Uchiha suddenly realized he was bored...bored... "Bored."

"Me too."

Sasuke turned to see Naruto standing behind him, flanked by Sakura and Hinata.

...the pink-haired kunoichi didn't look very happy.

Sasuke glanced left and right. Diversion...he needed a diversion... He pointed at Naruto. "Dobe, I challenge you to a-"

* * *

"A pokemon battle?" said Naruto, in shock, standing across from Sasuke in the Hyuuga house's large gym. He and Sasuke had both quit their freaky pokemon obsession years ago when it had stopped being cool.

"Yes dobe, a pokemon battle," Sasuke glanced at the rookie nine, the sand trio, and team twelve, who stood on the sidelines, blankly watching.

"Uzumaki Naruto versus Uchiha Sasuke," said Lee (who secretly _**was **_a pokemon), as he professionally waved the official flag. "May the match begin!"

Sasuke glared at Naruto, before signaling for him to go first.

Naruto was still rather dazed. It was pure luck that he'd brought his pokemon with him! "Uh, I chose you, PIKACHU!" Naruto shouted. Being the protagonist of the story, Naruto loved him some Pikachu! Doing a little twirl, Naruto threw a pokeball into the air, causing Pikachu to magically appear.

Sasuke slowly grinned. "All you have is a little Pikachu?" he cackled, as he took out a rather suspicious looking cap and placed it onto his head. Sasuke withdrew a pokeball of his own as he uttered, "I choose MewTWO!"

And so, MewTWO, THE WORLDS STRONGEST EVER POKEMON - THAT CAN TALK - appeared on the gym floor across from Pikachu.

Naruto hadn't yet noticed MewTWO. He was too busy staring at Sasuke. _...Ash...Catchem?_ Slowly lifting his arm and slapping himself (causing a few stares), Naruto looked down at MewTWO and gulped. "B-b-b-" he stuttered.

"MewTWO, use your...uh...just use your strongest attack," said Ash - er, I mean Sasuke.

Nodding, MewTWO twirled his balled fingers until they caused Pikachu to spontaneously combust.

"FUCK...I mean - PIKACHU!" shrieked Pikachu as it turned into a pile of dust.

"NOOOOOO! PIKACHUUUUU!" shrieked Naruto, falling to his knees. A few tears spilled from his eyes. There was no point in living without his Pikachu! He pulled a razorblade out his pocket.

"No, don't do it!" Kiba leapt into the scene and wrestled the blade from Naruto's hands.

"Aka-Akamaru!" Akamaru agreed. "Maru, Akamaru! Akamaruuu!"

"Lee!" mentioned Lee.

Ignoring Naruto's desperate attempts to slit his wrists, Sasuke looked proudly down at his pokemon...who was creepily staring at him.

"I want ice cream," stated MewTWO.

Sasuke blinked. Slowly, he tugged at his collar, a large bead of sweat drooling down the back of his awesome cap.

"I WANT ICE CREAM!" MewTWO screeched.

* * *

"Well that was pointless," mentioned Sakura, as she stared down at Naruto and Sasuke's fried carcasses.

Lee had burst into tears. "They both fought so bravely..." he sniffled. "WHY?" he cried. "WHY KAMI WHY? WHY'D THEY HAVE TO GO!"

Lee walked up to each body and gave them a little kiss on the forehead. He then stood tall and did the official pokemon dance.

By this point, Sakura had gone cross-eyed. "THAT'S IT!" she screamed, raising her fist.

Lee lay motionless on the ground with the others. Oh why? WHYYYYYY?

The rest of the group gathered 'round.

"I'll take Naruto-kun..." Hinata mumbled shyly.

"And I'll look after Sasuke!" said Sakura with an evil grin. "So...who's going to take care of Lee?"

The others slowly backed away.


	24. Day 22: Talke About Sex

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 22**

Kiba sat in his room, a Darbie and a Kent doll in hand.

"Oh Kent!" he squealed in a high feminine voice for Darbie, "The roses a beautiful! I LOVE YOU!"

The Kent doll was quickly covered in lipstick. "I love you too babe," Kiba said in a low voice for Kent.

"Hn..."

Kiba looked up at Shino and immediately turned blue. He had been caught playing with dolls. What would he do? What would he say? What would his _mother _say? A gabillion thoughts ran through Kiba's head. _Maybe if I say that I found them...and was just...looking at them..._

"Can I play?" asked Shino.

* * *

"Shikamaru, can we...talk?"

Shikamaru stared blankly, wondering what on earth _he_ wanted to talk to _him _about. "Uh, sure," he responded. "There's obviously something on your mind."

The other shinobi nodded. "Yeah, well, you're smart and everything..." he muttered slowly. "And I've been wanting to know for a while now...where do babies come from?"

Shikamaru coughed, choked on his own saliva, turned purple, and finally fell over unconscious.

Sasuke stared for a moment, gave Shikamaru a good kick in the side, then walked off. The Uchiha, of course, already knew where babies came from. The stork. Duh! His mom had told him before she died. Sasuke had simply been required to _ask_ due to the idiotic game that he had been forced into.

He entered his room, looking at Naruto, Ino, Sakura, Lee, Hinata, and Chouji. Well, he hadn't exactly been _forced _to play. He had actually started the game in hopes to, again, divert Sakura's attention.

...everyone was smiling broadly at him. They had been eavesdropping on his and Shikamaru's "conversation."

Sasuke glanced at Sakura. He had awoken the previous evening just before his girlfriend could molest him in his sleep. Sakura had mumbled a hasty, "I slipped and landed on your crotch," but Sasuke knew she was lying. HE KNEEWWWW!

"Naruto, truth or dare," he said quickly.

Naruto immediately stopped snickering, and glanced around nervously. "Truth."

As Ino began to cackle, Hinata shook her head in shame, and Lee coughed something that sounded suspiciously like "pussy."

"All right..." said Sasuke slowly. He didn't know what possessed him - perhaps it was his hormonal imbalance - but what he blurted out next was - "Is it true that you're a VIRGIN!"

As Naruto released a surprised girlish shriek, the rest of the room let out exaggerated gasps as they whispered and pointed at the blonde.

"Well," mumbled Naruto, covering his face. "The thing is, oh my, Kami, why." Was he blushing and trembling? "I - IIIIIIIIIII...no, no I'm not," Naruto finished simply.

Sasuke opened and closed his mouth a few times, gaping wordlessly, before dropping onto his bed in defeat. _What the FUCK?_ he thought, eying Sakura, who was throwing him hungry looks from across the room. Was he...the only...virgin?

Naruto grinned. "Lee, truth or dare?" he asked.

* * *

"Shikamaru, can we...talk?"

Shikamaru, who had just regained consciousness, stared blankly at Lee. Why the hell did everyone want to talk to him all of a sudden? Talking was troublesome!

"I want to talk...about sex," said Lee.

The moment Lee said the word "sex" Shikamaru was on the ground unconscious again. The words "sex" and "Lee" were simply far too bizarre for his poor mind to combine.

Lee glanced behind him as the rest of the group came out from behind the doorframe where they had been hiding.

"Well that was no fun," mentioned Naruto, as Sasuke gave Shikamaru another good kick in the ribs.

"Oh well," mentioned Lee, turning evil eyes to Chouji. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Chouji responded with a shrug.

"I dare you to fart on Shikamaru's head!"

As Chouji sighed, Ino shrugged at him. "At least you didn't have to shout 'SHAGADELIC' after losing to him in shougi."

Everyone giggled as Chouji sat upon Shikamaru's head and released an immense fart. Chouji stood back up as he muttered, "Let's stop doing stuff to Shikamaru."

Everyone reluctantly agreed. It wasn't as fun when the lazy boy was unconscious, anyway.

"Ino, truth or dare?" Chouji asked.

"Dare," Ino responded with a confident smirk. "Ask me anything."

Chouji seemed to think for a moment. "I dare you..." he paused. "I dare you to kiss Sakura."

The room went silent as everyone stared at Ino and Sakura. Sasuke didn't notice that his mouth hung open.

Finally, Ino's smirk returned. "All right," she said, approaching Sakura.

Naruto, Lee, Sasuke, and Chouji watched with wide unblinking eyes as Ino backed Sakura into a corner. The pink-haired kunoichi squeezed her eyes shut, just as Ino closed in, and gave her a quick kiss - on the forehead.

The men fell over.

"Hey, you didn't specify _where _to kiss her," Ino mentioned.

Chouji climbed back to his feet, sighing in defeat. There was no point in arguing.

"Forehead girl, truth or dare?" Ino asked.

Sakura scowled. "Dare," she hissed. Although she was nervous, she refused to lose to the Ino-pig.

"I dare you to-"

Everyone gasped.

* * *

There was a slight twitch of his eyebrow, which had soon developed into a tic of his cheek, and then a spasm of his shoulder. Everyone eyed the Uchiha.

"WHAT?" he spat.

They quickly looked away.

At the end of the corridor, the group listened closely to the sound of a knock, closely followed by the sound of a door opening.

"...What do you want?" It was Gaara's voice.

There was an awkward shuffling, and then Sakura's voice, although no one could hear exactly what she was saying.

An awkward pause, and then Gaara again. "...in the middle of the hall?"

More shuffling.

Around the corner, the others found themselves in an awkward position.

_What the fuck is going on over there? _Sasuke wanted to know. He had already activated the sharingan, but was being held back by Chouji, Lee, and Naruto.

"Woah..."

Everyone froze.

"Did Gaara just say _woah_?" Naruto whispered. In their surprise, he, Chouji, and Lee had released the Uchiha, allowing him to fall flat on his face. On the ground, Sasuke twitched, his fingernails strangely lengthening.

"Ahhhhh, yessssss, oh, Kaaaaaammmmiiiii!"

This time Chouji had to sit on Sasuke to keep him down...but this tactic was far less effective than usual, being that Chouji's figure now resembled that of a twigs.

Picking the other boy up over his head and pitching him out a conveniently placed window, Sasuke made a mad dash down the hall, only for Lee to grab his legs, and Naruto to jump onto his back.

"I wonder what they're doing," Naruto whispered, as Sasuke collapsed beneath him with an "oof." The Uchiha's hair looked a tad...grayer...than usual. Curiously, the fox vessel grabbed a chunk of it, lifting Sasuke's head to peer into his face. Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Are you wearing black lipstick?"

"OOHHH! YESSSS! GIVE ME MORE! MOOOORE!" Gaara's shrieks were so loud, they made Naruto's ears leak with tears. "Wait..." Gaara muttered. "Not that...anything but that...OH YES!" there was some more panting. "Nani? Is-" pant, "That supposed to go in there-" whimper, moan, moan, whimper, moan...moan...moan...whimper, moan, moan, whimper, whimper, moan, whimper, moan...thud?

"Hey guys," Sakura said, as she rounded the corner a few seconds later. "I finished healing Gaa-" she froze. "Naruto - what are you sitting on!"

Naruto blinked, and everyone slowly looked down.

"EEK!"

"Ewww!"

"OH MY GAWD!"

"I think it's a GIANT BUG!" screamed Ino.

"Quick! Get a shoe! Get a shoe!"

* * *

She hadn't gotten to go, had she?

"Hinata, truth or dare?" Naruto asked that evening. The two sat alone in the heiress' room, while Sakura was gone off to nurse Sasuke who had somehow gotten injured during the game.

Hinata blinked, staring at her lap. "Truth," she mumbled.

"How do you really feel about me?" Naruto asked flatly. He was confused as hell, and wanted to know. The more he followed Hinata around, the more he wondered what the hell he was to her.

Hinata looked away. Moments passed, and when Naruto was sure that the Hyuuga wasn't planning to respond, he rose to his feet. "I'll see you later," he muttered, heading for the door. He pretended not to notice that Hinata had followed him, but froze just as his fingers touched the doorknob, and her arms wrapped around his middle. Naruto blinked.

"Don't go." Her voice was just above a whisper.

_Why is she like this?_ Naruto wondered, slowly turning around in her embrace. _Evil, sadistic..._ he stared into white orbs, hypnotized. _And other times...sweet._

"I want to understand."

**OMFG, LEMON WARNING!1ONE**

"OH YEAH, BABY, RAWR!" shrieked Naruto, whipping out Figure A. "I'm SO HOT! GIMMIE GIMMIE!"

"Oh, Naruto-kun, oh Naruto, ooohhh Narutoooo!" screamed Hinata, pulling off her clothes to present Naruto with Slot B.

The boy inserted his manhood into her womanhood, and together they vibrated and gyrated and whatnot...for hours...RAWRRR!


	25. Day 23: Lover's Quarrel

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

"All right," said Kakashi, his hand out, palm up. "Hand it over. _All _of it."

Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto stared at their sensei for a moment, before Naruto sighed and pulled a few joints out of his pocket, placing them into Kakashi's palm. Sasuke reluctantly handed over his small bottle of vicodin, and Sakura gave Kakashi the twelve large containers of crack._ All twelve of them!_

Oddly enough, Kakashi still held his hand out, waiting expectantly. _"You too!"_

Sighing, Bullwinkle handed over the codeine, then a few magic markers. Almost as an afterthought, she pulled a bottle of that cheap grocery store vodka out of her back pocket. "Its not even that good anyway!" she growled. Bullwinkle glared at Sasuke. _I didn't know that bastard had vicodin!_

Kakashi merely shook his head. "No more drugs!" he yelled.

The four teenagers cringed in response.

Kakashi then pointed at the mummy who was lying in the corner of the room, unconscious. "And feed Neji, dammit!"

**Day 23**

"Always," whispered Kankuro, hooking his pinky finger with Tenten's.

"And forever," whispered Tenten, closing the deal with a small kiss.

"OH MY GOD!"

Everyone looked up at Kiba who stood to his feet. The dog-boy had been _attempting _to eat his breakfast.

"That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! - EVER!" Kiba felt the need to say. "I think I'm going to vomit! Right now! I seriously think that I might-" Kiba halted as vomit uncontrollably spurted out of his mouth. It was blue, which concerned some people. It was all right though. Half of it disintegrated the breakfast table, while the other half hit Lee's face.

(**Authors Note**: ...I was just watching One Tree Hill.)

All of the tables had been pushed together for some reason.

Shino sat beside Kiba, who sat beside the mummy, who sat beside Naruto, who sat beside Sasuke, who had forced Shikamaru to sit on his other side, who sat beside Temari. On the other side of the table, across from Temari sat beside Kankuro, who sat beside Tenten, who sat beside Sakura, who sat beside Hinata, who sat beside Gaara, who sat beside Ino, who sat beside Choji. Lee sat at the head of the table because he was special.

Sasuke, edgy, noticed that he was sitting across from Sakura. His girlfriend was pouting at him, giving him the odd need to blubber, "It's not you...it's me. I'm not breaking up with you, I just...don't want you anywhere near me for the next seven days."

When Sakura's fists clenched around his collar, Sasuke realized that perhaps his wording had been a bit off.

The others ignored the exchange, as Naruto removed his sandals. _I don't mind sitting across from Hinata-chan..._ he thought absently, staring at the Hyuuga heiress who was silently eating her breakfast. Naruto attempted to engage the white-eyed girl in a fierce match of footsie. He blinked when his foot connected with her not-so-smooth leg.

Gaara blinked when someone's foot connected with his leg. _That's odd,_ he thought, trying to fend the foot off with his own, only for it to slip further up his thigh. His eyes widened. _WHAT THE FUCK?_

Being that no one would really notice, Shikamaru took the opportunity to slip his pants off. "Ahhhhh," he sighed, loving the great breeze that was passing down below.

Lee's face, now purple, had begun to bubble with hideous boils from Kiba's strange blue vomit. As his throat began to close up, he wondered, just what ever would he do?

"No offense," Tenten was whispering into Kankuro's ear. "But my third task is to kiss every guy in this building. _You _are no longer needed."

Kankuro's eyes widened. "But I thought we had something special!"

The mummy stared down at his breakfast. He was awfully hungry...and rather thirsty...but then, his mouth was bandaged over. He couldn't recall how he had ever eaten, and wondered just what he would do. He glanced at the girl with similar eyes to his. She sent him a weak smile...or was it a smirk?

Chouji also was hungry, even more so than the mummy, but at least he could drink water. And that he did, sadly watching everyone else as they feasted.

Sakura had some how jumped over the breakfast table and managed to wrap her legs around Sasuke's neck, using this tactic to strangle him. While the others tried to continue to ignore this, some had been forced to cover their eyes, while others stared intently at the scene.

Gaara was...wait...oh my...truly?...Gaara was...blushing? No, he was far from blushing. His face was bright red, and his body was twitching so much that this siblings were sure that he would explode into caaannndy! Yay!

"Ahhhh," Shikamaru sighed again, Ino and Choji casting him odd looks.

Lee sat at the head of the table, his purple face sizzling in his cereal bowl as he gagged meaninglessly like a decapitated chicken. No one seemed to care though, for most eyes were focused on Sasuke and Sakura.

Sasuke had managed to throw Sakura off him, only to find them both on the ground, with him on top of her, and his face in her warm, soft-

Kami.

Sasuke slowly climbed up to all fours and glared down at the blushing kunoichi beneath him. "Stop trying to suffocate me with your inadequate breasts," he growled, just before he released a high-pitched shriek as Sakura's knee connected with his-

"What's with this?" asked Tenten, tugging at the cat ears on Kankuro's hood. "Seriously, and the face paint? It's just weird. Besides, the mummy is a way better kisser than you," she smiled.

"Mummy," moaned the mummy. "Mummy hungry! Huunnggy!"

Temari and Kankuro stared expectantly at Gaara. They were sure of it now. He was going to explode into CANDY!

"Say uncle," hissed Sakura, holding onto a chunk of Sasuke's hair, as she truly _did _attempt to suffocate him with her breasts. He flailed his arms fruitlessly, the shade of his face similar to Gaara's, or even Lee's.

_Damn, super-strong, harpy-beast, _thought Sasuke, trying to reach for Sakura's arms.

"Say it!" said Sakura, cackling. _You shall be MINE! _"Say uncle!" she practically screamed.

"I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!"

Everything in the room froze at these words. Sakura had even released Sasuke in her surprise.

"I'M A VIRGIN! A VIRRRRGIIIINNNNN!"

All eyes had gone to Sasuke. Everyone stared. And stared. And stared.


	26. Day 24: Burn Sasquatch, Burn!

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 24**

She had snuck in his room late that night, and after a while of quiet arguing, the two found themselves lying on his bed, fully clothed, staring up at the ceiling.

"That doesn't even matter," mumbled Sakura, blushing. A few more moments of silence reigned as they listened to Shikamaru's steady breathing and to Naruto's nasally snores, before she whispered, "Did you think _I wasn't?_"

"No," muttered Sasuke, glancing at Sakura under the moonlight. "I...read your third task."

"Third task?" Sakura rested her head against Sasuke's shoulder, feeling his body momentarily tense.

"You didn't get it?" asked the Uchiha.

"No," Sakura complained, turning to face him. "I haven't found it yet." She paused. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Sasuke said quickly, a smirk crawling across his face. He idly pulleed aside strands of Sakura's hair, not because he was required to because of some stupid task, but because he found her so fucking beautiful at that moment. "I'm going to kill Kakashi."

"Don't think about Kakashi," whispered Sakura, kissing him.

* * *

At breakfast, Kankuro was nowhere to be seen, but there was a mysterious brown-haired _beefcake_ sitting at the table in his spot. And everybody wanted him. _They wanted him __bad__._

However, they couldn't, because their mothers had told them never to talk to strangers.

Well, except for Lee...and Naruto, the mummy, Hinata, Gaara, and Temari.

_They_ didn't _have _mothers.

So they smiled at the brown-haired guy. The brown-haired guy smiled back, feeling loved.

Sakura was busy staring at her meal, a faint blush upon her features. Sasuke did the same, his indifference in place, though the corner of his mouth seemed to twitch from time to time.

"Won't you tell me my third task?" Sakura asked.

Sasuke glanced away. "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."

Sakura gave him an odd look. _"Can you do that?"_ she asked skeptically.

Naruto watched them. He was glad they were getting along again. He looked at Hinata and frowned. _That's it,_ Naruto decided. _I'm finding out tonight,_ his frown deepened._ What is with Hinata-chan?_

Unfortunately, that night, Naruto was unable to do any such thing, for an amazing diversion occurred.

* * *

Maito Gai had snuck into the Hyuuga main house with the task to retrieving/saving his precious (but least loved) subordinate (who was currently fast asleep underneath the kitchen sink, rather than his nice warm bed). He wouldn't have bothered, had science not proven that Neji wouldn't survive another day in his current, ah, "condition."

He was just making his way to the kitchen when-

"Sasquatch!"

Before Gai knew it, he was backing away from a burning torch. The fire light frightened and intimidated him, and he cowered into a corner, quivering like a scared animal.

Soon other torches accompanied the first as chuunin crowded around him releasing high-pitched shrieks and mating calls.

"Burn the sasquatch!" ...was that Lee?

"Die sasquatch! Die!" Naruto was hopping up and down.

"I hate you damn sasquatches...sasquatchies...sasquatchises'seies..." Uchiha Sasuke muttered to himself.

"Burn sasquatch burn! Burn sasquatch burn!" everyone began to chant, some burning their tongues painfully on their torches.

But that didn't matter! Nothing mattered, for they had captured a sasquatch!

Before Gai knew what was happening, he was tied to a stick and surrounded by firewood. Tribal music echoed throughout the room.

The kids continued to chant as Lee lit the fire. "Burn sasquatch burn! Burn sasquatch burn!" Lee and the mummy began to dance around the stake in order to emphasize on the chanting. "Burn sasquatch burn!"

Tears poured down Gai's cheeks (he had altogether forgotten that he was a ninja). "I'm not a sasquatch, I'm just...I'm just a flamingo!" he cried, before attempting some ludicrous bird call. Unknowing to him, if he had just tried stating he was a turtle, the maddened children would have actually believed him.

"Kill the sasquatch!"

Someone suddenly swung down from the ceiling on a vine, dressed only in a loin cloth. Gai thought it might have been a savior, but it was just Kiba who had gotten all excited and stuff. His privates flapped with the wind. The dog-boy soon after joined the group in chanting. Gai began to scream as the fire licked his toes.

In all the madness, something insane happened. Something so horribly strange, so disturbing, so _traumatizing _- the mummy's bandages had unraveled down to his neck! Everyone stared in shock at the dark haired, white eyed, Hyuuga Neji.

The tribal music and the chanting all came to a stop, leaving only Gai's high-pitched screams of pain. The chuunin gathered felt shocked, and...rather betrayed. And so they stood there and...stared.

And slowly...very slowly...Neji picked up the unwoven bandages and...wrapped them back around his face. This allowed everyone to calm down, as they breathed sighs of relief.

The chanting resumed.

"We're having sasquatch for dinner," hissed Naruto, his eyes gleaming red. He didn't know what had gotten over him, but - all the human sacrifice - it was getting him excited.


	27. Day 25: Red Eyes

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

Kakashi and Gai stared in horror (through binoculars) as their chuunin subordinates roasted and devoured Gai's innocent peanut butter clone.

The cat grimaced at his eternal rival. "Aren't you glad I stopped you from going in there?"

**Day 25**

Sasuke walked out of his room's adjoined bathroom, a towel tied around his waist. Droplets of water gleamed on his pale muscles as he shook his head, splattering his poor roommates who were hiding underneath of their covers.

...speaking of his roommates.

Naruto and Shikamaru were very much traumatized, for Sasuke had been singing in the shower. The Nara's body had gone into shock, while Naruto's ears had begun to bleed.

Uchiha Sasuke was...happy.

With a long yawn, Sasuke approached his large purple vanity to look himself over. He pulled a large can of hairspray out of his...towel.

Ah. Sasuke's hair spray.

Not even giving Naruto and Shikamaru a chance to run (as he usually did) Sasuke shook the can and began to spray. Purple smoke engulfed the bedroom, and Naruto and Shikamaru just managed to crawl out before they could be encompassed by the abyss of fumes.

Sasuke's high-pitched laughter could be heard echoing out of the room. Not to worry, this would subside by breakfast, as it usually did. The end of Sasuke's high would successfully leave him the gloom and depressive Uchiha survivor that we all know and love.

He blamed Itachi.

Damn you Itachi!

* * *

Ah...breakfast.

Naruto was behaving rather...strangely.

For one thing, he stood crouched down on the breakfast table.

For another thing, he was eating all of the bacon. Damn him!

"Naruto...are you all right?" Sakura asked, poking the blonde in the leg with her fork.

"Get off of the fucking table!" Sasuke growled.

"Stop eating all of the bacon!" Chouji cried...even though he was fasting and all.

With a hiss, Naruto finally turned to face them. With gasps, everyone backed away.

Naruto's eyes were red, fangs protruding from his bacon-gorged mouth. With an angry shriek...or mating call...he leapt atop Chouji's head.

"Ack!" Chouji shrieked. "Get him off me! He's biting my head!"

_"Give me your BRAIN!" _Naruto seethed.

Being that everyone was sort of _freaked out_, they took to ignoring Chouji's dilemma, twitching here and there when tufts of brown hair flew into their cereals.

Sasuke blinked when Naruto suddenly grabbed the chicken-butt of his hair. "Bring me your women and your human flesh depository. _I am hungry in more than one way!" _...he **fuck** was he talking about?

Sasuke was thinking only one thing. _Is...he...touching...my...hair?_ "I'll-kill-you!"

Five other chuunin leapt onto Sasuke before another epic battle could break out.

Pounding his chest in a gorilla-like fashion, Naruto leapt off of the table and ran out of the room, cackling all the while.

* * *

He met a certain Hyuuga in the hallway, and slowly backed her into a corner. "Hinata-_chan,_" Naruto seethed, grinning wickedly.

Hinata's eyes were wide in fear. "Na-Naruto-kun?" she asked, trying to sneak away, only for her back to hit a wall.

Naruto closed in on her. He drew closer and closer until their noses were inches apart, his crimson eyes gleaming with excitement. "Who's in charge now?" he mocked. He absently ran his fingers through her hair. "Tell me, what made you into such a...dominatrix?"

Hinata's cheeks burned, which made Kyuubi's vessel all the more excited. She nipped her bottom lip as she looked at the ground, mumbling, "If I can't dominate you...I have to hide from you."

"Aa," said Naruto with interest. His lips had found their way to her neck, as he softly kissed her, resisting the urge to break the skin. "That's interesting."

Hinata was trembling. She continued nonetheless. "I'm afraid if I let you get a word in," she took a deep breath. "You'll re-reject me, ne?" she smiled bitterly.

Naruto breathed in her scents. "Then why are you telling me all this now?"

"Because your eyes are red," said Hinata. "That it isn't you."

"That's true," said Naruto, pulling away from her neck to meet her eyes. His grin had returned.

"And because," she breathed, feeling her resolve slowly crumble. "Because, I-I-"

"You?" Naruto asked.

What she said next was in a faint whisper, but Naruto's keen ears managed to pick it up. "I love you."

Slowly, the fangs in his mouth seemed to shrink back to teeth, the color of his eyes fading to blue again. "Kami," Naruto mumbled. "You're so cute."

**OMFG, LEMON WARNING!1ONE**

"OH YEAH, BABY, RAWR!" shrieked Hinata, whipping out Figure A. "I'm SO HOT! GIMMIE GIMMIE!"

"Oh, Hinata-chan, oh Hinata, ooohhh Hinataaaa!" screamed Naruto, pulling off his clothes to present Hinata with Slot B.

The girl inserted her manhood into his womanhood, and together they vibrated and gyrated and whatnot...for hours...RAWRRR!

That's when Shikamaru walked by, and stared at the duo in shock. His face turned blue, then purple. "Why do you-?" Pause. "And you have a-" Pause. "N-derr." He slowly backed away.


	28. Day 26: The End of SMA

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 26**

Naruto quickly opened his bedroom door. Someone had been frantically pounding on the other side.

It was Chouji.

"Dude, do you have any lube?" Chouji eagerly asked.

Naruto nipped his bottom lip. Digging deep down into his back pocket, he unearthed a small lube tube. The blonde frowned. "Sorry man, I only have a little left," he shrugged. "I'm saving mine for _tonight._"

Chouji's desperate eyes shifted to the Uchiha, who was laying back in his bed, idly swiping at a foil ball Shikamaru had hung from the ceiling for him. "I'm not sharing my lube," Sasuke scowled, giving Chouji a disgusted look. "That's just weird."

When Chouji finally turned to Shikamaru, the lazy man sighed. "Do you want the big one or the small one?"

Chouji hopped up and down. "The big one! Power Rangers is on!"

With a sigh, Shikamara went to the closet, shortly returning with an enormous container of lube. He staggered as he carried it back to Chouji, for it was the size and shape of a small television. "Here you go, buddy," said Shikamaru, passing the lube over to his friend, as Naruto and Sasuke stared.

Chouji thanked Shikamaru and carried the lube away, leaving Naruto and Sasuke feeling strangely inadequate.

* * *

"I'd like to die about the age of fourty-five. Probably by a kunai. Sharp pain, then death," Sasuke muttered wistfully. He blinked a few times, before awkwardly clearing his throat. "Y'know, before I could get wrinkles."

His fellow SMA members nodded enthusiastically in agreement. Anything to keep their perfect skin intact.

Chouji's eyes were alight with excitement. The group had been discussing ways they wanted to die. "I wanna die of an exploded stomach!"

"Magic mushrooms," said Shikamaru.

"Bestiality!" proclaimed Kiba.

All became silent. Because everyone was sort of afraid, they looked away from Kiba, though Sasuke privately wondered, _How do you die of bestiality? _"And you?" the Uchiha quickly asked the mummy, before his thoughts could trail any further.

The mummy was looking at everyone else as though theywere crazy. His wide eyes darted in every direction, as though he wanted to run away.

Sasuke sighed. "And this ends the last official SMA meeting," he walked over to Gaara, resting a hand upon his shoulder. "Take care of your mother," muttered Sasuke.

The redhead glared darkly back at him. "I don't have a mother," he growled.

Sasuke ignored him, as he turned to the exit of the secret room. "So long," he mentioned. Bright sunlight suddenly radiated off him as though he was some sort of majestic being. The Uchiha glanced back at those he was leaving behind. "I'll meet you all again," his voice was soft and serene. "Someday."

As the door magically swung open, a burst of white light shot out of it, temporarily blinding Sasuke. He cursed in pain, clutching his eyes, before Chouji, Shikamaru, Gaara, Kiba, and the mummy (all blubbering, moaning, and crying) grabbed his arms and legs, and dragged him back into the room. Chouji chomped down on Sasuke's leg in order to emphasize upon his great sadness.

* * *

Naruto and Hinata were having far more fun than Sasuke.

The heiress had brought an old dusty chest, and was digging through it in search of something. "I have matches," she said.

The blonde smirked. "Fun," he muttered.

"...a cleaver..."

"Even better," mentioned Naruto.

"...a pitchfork, more knives..."

Naruto nodded as she continued.

"Elephant tranquilizers, darts-"

Naruto blinked. "Hinata-chan...what are we doing with elephant tranquilizers? You're not gonna-"

But she spoke over him. "-a metal bat, a whip, and a chainsaw."

An involuntary spasm shot across Naruto's shoulder. "A chainsaw?" he asked, his voice rather weak.

"A chainsaw," Hinata responded, looking back up at him. Her ghost white eyes were wide and innocent.

"But, isn't that...dangerous?" Naruto asked, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

"Of course it is," Hinata responded, continuing to blankly stare at him.

"...and a bit painful..."

"Aren't they all?"

"Do you know how to _use _a chain saw?" Naruto asked.

"No," said Hinata. "So?"

A bead of sweat rolled down the back of Naruto's neck as he imagined a headless him exiting the room. "Let's start with the matc-"

-That's when Sasuke burst in!

The Uchiha's right pant leg was in tatters, the limb completely mangled, his bloody foot dragging along the floor behind him. His wide eyes caught theirs, before he released a high-pitched banshee shriek.

Alarmed, Naruto and Hinata also screamed. The three screamed for minutes, before the heiress covered her face and ran out of the room. And then, slowly, Naruto and Sasuke began to settle down. Their voices grew weary, and finally all screaming ceased.

Sasuke limped over to one of the beds. "Chouji bit me," he mentioned. He glanced at Naruto. "Sorry, did I...interrupt something?" he glanced around at the various instruments scattered around the room.

Naruto twitched. "Kinda," he growled.

Sasuke's eyes had fallen to the syringes...with little pictures of elephants on them. "Are those...elephant tranquilizers?"

"Sasu-_kay,_" Naruto hissed threateningly...only it sounded more like an orgasmic whimper.

The Uchiha's eyes hadn't left the tranquilizers, even as he rested his bloody leg across Shikamaru's mattress. _"What the hell is it for?" _he asked incredulously.

"Leave me alone!" cried Naruto, storming out of the room. He passed by Sakura at the door.

Sasuke watched his girlfriend enter the room. Her eyes widened upon spotting his injury. The Uchiha smirked as she leaned over the mattress to heal his leg.

"What happened?" the kunoichi asked in worry.

Sasuke shrugged. "Chouji's hungry," he managed, as he began moan from Sakura's magical touch. "When you're done," gasp, moan, moooaaaaaannn, "I - have -" he paused to whimper. "Elephant – tranquilizers-?"

* * *

Shikamaru stared down at his second task. He had been putting it off for some while...but he was running out of time.

_Take the form of Orochimaru for a day.  
_

The Nara winced. This wasn't going to be fun.

* * *

Hinata frowned down at her third task, which read:

_MURDER NARUTO!_

She nipped her bottom lip. "I love him..." she mumbled to herself. "But...I have to complete my task!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay, one of you thought the SMA meeting in this chapter was a parody of the last supper. -sweatdrop- Er, no, it isn't, I don't think.


	29. Day 27: Just Say No

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

Naruto looked sadly down at Sasuke, who had been unconscious for days, having somehow been speared in the ass by an elephant tranquilizer.

Nah, just joking.

Sasuke was wide away, as was Naruto. It was after midnight, but neither boys could seem to sleep. Perhaps is had something to do with the disturbingly pale, snake-eyed, figure sleeping in the bed between them.

OROCHIMARU!

The evil man (who was supposed be _dead!_) snored lightly, occasionally mumbling something about mushrooms in his sleep.

The two boys shivered, their eyes wide and bloodshot, for they refused to allow themselves to fall unconscious, because they knew...they _KNEW_...that the second they closed their eyes, Orochimaru would-

**Day 27**

"Naruto-kun, you look terrible," said Hinata in concern.

"Oh Hinata-chan!" Naruto cried into his girlfriend's breasts.

Sasuke stiffened when "Orochimaru" took a seat at the breakfast table beside him.

The snake-man sent him a dry glance, before yawning out, "Can you pass the butter?"

And that Sasuke did. Unfortunately, his hand shook so violently in the process that he ended up smashing the butter dish in Orochimaru's face.

"Ack!" said Orochimaru.

Sasuke couldn't take it anymore! He karate chopped the man on the head.

Orochimaru fell out of his seat. "Ow!" he groaned, holding his skull. "What the hell is wrong with you!"

Sasuke blinked.

"I mean, I didn't even do anything," Orochimaru complained. "Why are you such an ass!" The snake-man climbed to his feet and stalked out of the room.

* * *

It was just another ordinary afternoon.

"Hey man, do you wanna buy some marijuana," muttered Naruto, wearing a trench coat, and looking rather suspicious.

"Uh...no," said Sasuke, trying to walk passed him to get into his room. He scowled as Naruto quickly blocked the entrance.

"What are you, _chicken?_" said Naruto, flapping his arms in an attempt to mock him. "Balk, balk, balk, balk, balk!"

Sasuke twitched. After twenty-seven days, this was starting to get really annoying. Sure, at first, he had been happy to buy a joint or two from Naruto, but the idiot didn't have the good stuff! Half of what he was selling were tea leaves! Sasuke blinked when he saw a large shadow appear beside him. The Uchiha turned around to see that Orochimaru had approached.

"He may be a chicken," said Orochimaru...sinisterly. "But at least he's not a _turkey!_"

Naruto looked down in shame.

"Drug free is the way to be," muttered Orochimaru, before shoving Naruto aside, and entering the room.

"He sure told me..." muttered Naruto sadly.

Sasuke stared into the room, his eyes sparkling as he watched "Orochimaru" pull out a shoji board and scratch his ass with one of its pieces. _He is my idol, _the Uchiha thought, before entering the room, and bowing down on his hands and knees before the man. Orochimaru mistook him for a table though, and rested his shougi board onto his back.

The pale-skinned man watched Naruto enter the room. "About that marijuana..." he muttered.

* * *

That night, there was again no sleeping for Naruto and Sasuke. They stayed up most of the night with Orochimaru watching Barney and playing Truth or Dare! By the time they were ready for bed, however, it had begun to rain, and thunder...and there was lightening, and...and shadowy figure standing outside their window running a chainsaw.

Being that they were shitlessly terrified, they all hurried into Orochimaru's bed and clutched each other tightly.

* * *

Hyuuga Hinata cried softly into her hands. You see, an insane clone had locked her in a closet about 27.9 days prior, and she had yet to be rescued.

What ever was she going to do?


	30. Day 28: Unfortunate Events

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Day 28**

"Hinata" sat inside her bedroom, idly sharpening her cleaver. The previous night she had attempted to complete her third task, but simply couldn't bring herself to do it. "Oh woe is me," sighed sweet innocent little Hinata. "Naruto, my love, what ever will I do?"

* * *

"Stop it Sakura, that tickles!" laughed Naruto, as he exited the bathroom that morning wearing only a towel. He looked up to notice that his dear friends Sasuke and Orochimaru were staring at him in shock. Releasing an awkward chuckle, Naruto pointed toward the bathroom, "Er...she was healing my-EEK!"

* * *

Sasuke just HAD to know. He couldn't seem to get it out of his mind! "Kiba," he whispered at breakfast that day. "How...how do you die of bestiality?"

Shikamaru, meanwhile, was having so much fun with people fearing and worshipping him that he'd decided he'd remain "Orochimaru" for a few extra days.

"Orochimaru-sama." Temari bowed as she presented her boss with a pot of tea that she had been instructed to make especially for him.

"Orochimaru" sniffed the pot, before slapping it out of Temari's hands. His girlfriend shrieked in pain as she was splattered with boiling hot water. "That doesn't smell fresh, wench! Now take off your bra!"

Naruto moaned in pain as "Hinata" held an ice pack to his skull. "Oh Naruto," she said worriedly, as she kissed each and every one of his boo-boos. "What ever happened to you?"

"Why are you so out of character?" Naruto moaned.

Meanwhile Kankuro decided he needed a smoke, which would end up causing a chain reaction of unfortunate events. And yes, Kankuro smokes. He does it all the time. I _swear!_

Unfortunately, the kitty-man had a cigarette and no matches, so he did what any other man would. He asked for a light.

He asked...the mummy.

The mummy of course had a lighter, because mummies are scary, and therefore evil, and all evil creatures smoke - DUH! And so, reaching into his...lower bandages, the mummy pulled out a lighter...as well as a tuft of black hair. The mummy seemed to be in pain, but flipped open his pretty silver lighter and held it under Kankuro's cigarette.

Of course, the mummy had forgotten to consider the fact that he was wrapped in bandages. He went up in flames.

"Mummy on fire! Mummy on fire!" the mummy screeched. And so, the mummy did what any other mummy would.

He went to hug his dear friend Sasuke, who was sure to help and comfort him.

Sasuke swiftly dodged, his amazing ninja skills coming into play for the first time in about twenty-eight and a half days. The flip he did was incredible - it seemed that he was flying! He landed cleanly on the ground on the other side of the room, before checking his flammable hair to make sure that it hadn't caught any sparks.

The mummy stared at Sasuke, feeling betrayed, and rather hurt. He collapsed to the ground, his fellow housemates gaping and pointing at him as they slowly gathered 'round. Kankuro took the opportunity to light his cigarette with the flames.

It was then that the flaming mummy set off a smoke alarm. The house's sprinkler system activated, water raining down on all of the youths.

Luckily, the water managed to put out the fire, but also...

"I'm melting! I'm meeeeelllting!" shrieked Lee, as he turned into a puddle of green mush.

"Eek!" everyone shrieked and jumped back in fear of being touched by the goo that had once been their dear companion Rock Lee. Slipping on the wet floor, Kiba fell face first in the goo. "Oh gawd, it tastes like spinach!" he cried.

Spinach?

Sasuke, Ino, and Sakura took a few small steps closer, being that they were all on intense diets, and sort of liked spinach. Dipping their fingers into the green goo, they tasted a bit of what had been Rock Lee.

"It's not bad," mentioned Ino as Sasuke pulled out a jar.

As water continued to pour down on the chuunin, "Hinata" seemed particularly disturbed by Lee's melting, for she couldn't seem to stop shaking. Violently - shaking.

Naruto, a concerned boyfriend, placed a hand onto her shoulder. "Hinata-chan, are you all ri-?"

Hinata's head exploded, sending bits of metal debris in all directions.

Naruto blinked, his face covered in third-degree burns. Rather traumatized that his girlfriends head had exploded right before his eyes, he fell over unconscious, also landing in the green goo.

Those who had been picking at it glanced down at Naruto. Akamaru licked a bit of the green mush off his face. The dog yipped excitedly, before continuing to lick the goo off the blonde.

Kiba blinked. "Akamaru says it tastes like candy off Naruto."

Temari and Kankuro pulled out forks and knives.

Chouji, standing beside the mummy's lifeless body, feeling rather shocked and confused, looked around to notice that:

1. Orochimaru was just like...there.

2. The mummy was severely burnt, probably dead.

3. Sasuke was a traitor.

4. Lee had melted.

5. Hinata's head had exploded.

6. Gaara's tattoo had washed off.

7. Naruto had fainted.

8. Sasuke, Sakura, and Ino were eating the melted Lee.

9. Kankuro and Temari were gnawing on one of Naruto's legs.

Chouji looked up at the ceiling, tears forming in his eyes. "WHY!" he cried. He paused, and sniffed. "Oh gawd, I'm so hungry," he muttered, before quickly joining Temari and Kankuro in eating the main character.


	31. Day 29: Webos

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

_Naruto._

Naruto slowly regained consciousness. At the sensation of extreme pain in his leg, he looked down. "OH MAI GAWD STOP EATING ME!"

**Day 29**

_Kankuro._

Kankuro chuckled lightly to himself. "It was all part of my master plan," he muttered, as he crumpled his second task, which read: _Destroy the evil robot-girl._

* * *

_The Mummy._

The mummy, who had been but an unfortunate peon in Kankuro's master plan, held an ice pack to his burnt webo, moaning in pain while nursing the third degree burns there. When the charred appendage simply fell off, the mummy glared up at the ceiling and vowed to take revenge on Kankuro.

...and then he ate it.

* * *

_Naruto again, and Lee._

Step, thump.

Step, thump.

Step, thump.

Naruto, and his brand new, hot pink, glitter-covered, glow-in-the-dark peg leg, headed down the hall and toward the cafeteria that afternoon, tears of sadness streaming down his cheeks. Hinata, his dearest girlfriend, had died in a bit of a...well a...well her head had exploded.

In the hall, Naruto passed Lee, before stopping to do a double take. He glared at the green-man. "How the hell are you back? I thought you melted, dammit!"

Lee stared blankly at Naruto. "Oh, that was just an illusion. Genjutsu," he mentioned, before walking off.

Naruto blinked. "Oh," he paused. "...wait a minute!"

* * *

_Sakura._

Sakura tucked her Harry Potter book safely back beneath her bed. She glanced around suspiciously. She had been studying, y'know, magic and all. How else do you think she defeated Sasori?

Twitching her nose twice, she disappeared and reappeared inside the cafeteria beside Sasuke. No one noticed, of course. But shhhh, it's magic. "I was able to heal Naruto's wounds (magic), but too much of his leg was gone," the kunoichi released a sad sigh as she watched Naruto limp into the cafeteria.

* * *

_Sasuke._

Sasuke, who wasn't really listening, and didn't really care, nodded distractedly to Sakura as he fooled around with a rubix cube. _Must...defeat...puzzle cube...DAMN YOU ITACHI!_

* * *

_Shino._

Much like he did every afternoon at 12:13, Shino stood inside his bedroom completely naked. After a few moments, he got bored, so started to tap dance.

* * *

_Chouji's Dad._

Music blasted as slutty ladies walked back and fourth through the Hokage's office, wine glasses in hand. Tsunade lay in the corner, unconscious.

Behind the Hokage desk sat big fat jolly ole' Chouza with women piled in his gargantuan lap.

"Don't worry ladies! THERE'S LOT'S OF CHOUZA FOR EVERYONE!" Chouza shouted as he took another sip of _Zima _from his canteen.

"Chouza, are really the Hokage?" asked a woman, seductively playing her finger down his round belly, which, between you and me, us and him, was full of missing children.

"Well I..."

* * *

_Tenten._

Tenten grinned. "Hey, this is _Butter,_" she muttered sexily into the telephone. She operated a phone-sex hotline as a side job.

* * *

_Kiba_

"Oh yeah," moaned Kiba as he...uh...as he played video games. "Talk dirty to me Butter."

* * *

_Hinata._

Hinata banged on the inside of the closet door, her fists growing bruised. "I'm locked in the closet!" she yelled...only, it came out as a whisper due to her speaking impediment.

* * *

_Chouji._

Chouji was just walking down the hall when he heard small noises coming from a locked closet door. "The...the closet it whispering," he muttered in shock, as he pressed his ear up against the door. _"Talk dirty to me closet."_

* * *

_Ino and Temari._

The two blondes chuckled to themselves as they sat inside of the cafeteria, furiously munching on cucumbers. "Gay pirate," Temari whispered as Naruto walked by.

* * *

_Gaara._

Gaara looked up in shock. Someone had just called him a gay pirate! _That's it! I'm going to kill myself! _he thought, as he ran out of the cafeteria to find his bottle of racoon poison.

* * *

_Shikamaru._

Shikamaru would have told Chouji it was Hinata whispering _inside _the closet, and to let her out, but he was far too lazy. Walking by the man, he sighed as he thought, _There's one day left. Just how am I gonna complete my third task?_


	32. Day 30: Foolish Little Shikamaru

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

"We need a stunt-devil for Lee!" shrieked Bullwinkle, waving the script frantically.

Sasuke gave her a dry look as he blew on his newly manicured fingernails. "Just write him out," he muttered.

"This is the last chapter!" Winkle screamed as she hopped up and down, limbs flailing (drugs). "We can't just write him out!"

Naruto burst into the room. "I found someone!" he proclaimed.

Bullwinkle released a sigh of relief. "Great. Who?"

"It's-!"

* * *

"I love your work," Kankuro muttered as he stared up at his **idol**.

"Puny earthling. I will eat your brains!" shrieked Piccolo as he backed into a corner.

Meanwhile on the other side of the room, Naruto and Sasuke were hanging out with two other members of the DBZ crew.

"You're so muscular!" screeched Naruto, pointing his finger accusingly at Goku. "You have muscles that don't even exist!"

Goku shrugged. "Steroids," he muttered.

"How do you get your hair like that?" Sasuke asked as he stared up at Vegeta. "It looks _weird._"

"It's got nothing on yours," said Vegeta with a glare.

There was an awkward moment of quiet.

That's when Vegeta coughed something that sounded suspiciously like, "Chicken butt."

Dead. Silence.

"Oh. No. You. Didn't."

A fight broke out!

"CHIDORI" screamed Sasuke.

"RASENGAN!" yelled Naruto.

Goku farted.

Vegeta did the same two moves back to back twelve hundred times, causing everyone to think that he was having a seizure.

That's when Lee entered the room, McDonalds bag in his hand.

**Day 30**

Shino stared blankly down at his third task.

_Eat a bug._

_

* * *

_

Akamaru yipped excitedly. He had just completed his third task (_Bury a squirrel alive)_. After a ten minute trot, he reached the Hokage office in order to receive his promotion.

"Well Akamaru," Tsunade said, as she looked down at him from behind her desk. "I would like to say that I'm very prou-" she paused. "Wait a minute...you're a dog! Dogs can't be jounin!" And with that, Tsunade grabbed Akamaru and threw him out the nearest window. The poor dog's white coat was stained red after he fell twelve stories to the ground where his bones were immediately crushed. When Kiba found out about what had happened to his pet dog/best friend, he cried...quite a bit.

* * *

Sasuke and Sakura walked into the dining room that morning and sat down at the breakfast table to notice Naruto, already there, wolfing down food. Naruto looked up and gave them his trademark Naruto grin, but that wasn't it. His smile began to grow larger and larger, as his expression became more and more creepy. The boy some how resembled an evil clown. Everyone started to scream, not exactly knowing why. Lee ran out of the room. Sakura fainted. Random people burst into hysterical sobs as Naruto's cheezy EVIL grin began to grow to epic proportions.

"Bwahahahaha!" chuckled Naruto EVILLY...uh...wait...no, that never happened.

At breakfast that morning, Chouji's dad had stopped by for a surprise visit. "Hiya kids," he said, saliva dripping from his lips like that of a starving hyena's. His eyes roamed hungrily over the children in the room.

But that's not important.

Uchiha Sasuke blinked. Having finally succeeded in losing that one pound of holiday weight, he sat at the breakfast table, a slice of whole-wheat toast half in his mouth, when his third task randomly popped up into his mind. Seriously. He was like, _Duh, isn't this like Day 30? OMG! WTF? i HAVE TO FINISH MY TASKS!1one_

Defeat everyone.

_...though it's oddly vague..._

Sasuke placed his hand onto his chin, running his fingers across an imaginary goatee, as he formulated a small but overly-complicated plan.

The mummy, meanwhile, was looking around the cafeteria. After nearly a month with no food, his roasted webos had tasted _wonderful! _And...he wanted more! He wanted to eat more webos! He wanted to gather up all the webos he could, and just stuff his face! His eyes drifted over all the men in the room. _"Webos..." _he whispered.

* * *

After breakfast that morning, Chouji and Kiba (his face tear streaked due to the death of his pet dog/best friend/secret lover) headed to their room. Shino had stayed behind, violently twitching as he muttered something to himself. Having brushed it off as simply a weird "Shino thing" the two entered their room.

They were surprised to find a mysterious girl already there, a pink ribbon in her hair, where she sat behind a small wooden stand that read: LEMoNaID - fIvE CENTZ.

"Lemonade?" muttered Chouji, as he and Kiba approached the stand, both digging into their pockets for nickels. They smiled shyly at the girl, somehow seeming to miss the fact that it was simply Uchiha Sasuke dressed in drag.

After taking the money, the girl offered the two a sweet smile and poured them two cups of lemonade.

Gulping the drinks down, Kiba and Chouji immediately had orgasms. That had been the _best _freakin' lemonade they had ever tasted in their short, meaningless, lives.

The girl grinned. "Want s'more?" she asked in a rather deep voice.

And how could they turn down such a cute girl?

It was after thirty-eight cups of lemonade a piece, that Kiba and Chouji decided that perhaps they'd had enough. Thighs squeezed together as they clutched their groins, both hobbled toward the room's exit, and turned the knob. It...was...locked...

_What the-?_ Kiba and Chouji glanced back to the girl at the lemonade stand who had begun to grin maniacally. They turned back to the door.

"Good gawd, break it down! I'm going to _explode!"_ hissed Kiba, clutching himself so hard that he was sure that he'd broken something.

But their efforts to break down the bedroom door proved to be futile. It was as though the damn thing had been glued shut!

"Dammit!" cried Kiba. It was too late!

"Kami," said Chouji, dancing from one foot to the other. "I'm going to-!"

And then Kiba and Chouji exploded, their blood and guts splattering everywhere. Blinking wildly, Uchiha Sasuke, covered in blood, gaped around the room. He looked from the pile of intestines lying by the window, to a few severed testicles sitting upon the shelf. "Holy shit!" he said in shock, immediately beginning to convulsively vomit. _That wasn't supposed to happen!_

_

* * *

_

"Webos..." the mummy whispered to himself, pulling a cleaver out of his...lower bandages. He began to softly chuckle to himself as he walked through the hall. There were webos near by. He could _smell them. _Big, juicy, ones.

* * *

"Children..." Chouji's dad whispered to himself, as he headed down a perpendicular hall and toward a corner that would lead him to the mummy. Drool continued to pour from his mouth, creating puddles on the carpet. He began to softly chuckle to himself. There was a child near by. He could _smell_ him. A rather thin and...dirty one. He turned the corner to come face to face with the mummy, lunging forward, only to realize-

It wasn't a child. It was a damn mummy!

Chouza screamed in pain as his webos were ripped off.

* * *

Sasuke, meanwhile, was hanging out with Gaara and Kankuro in their bedroom. Having quickly gotten over the fact that he'd murdered Kiba and Chouji, he held up a video tape he kept around solely for emergencies.

"Trust me, this movie is-" he died a little inside. "_-awesome._" And with that, Sasuke quickly popped the tape into the VCR before he could be forced to say anything else that was horrifically cliché and out of character.

'The Miracle of Life' began to play on the large television screen.

As Kankuro blinked, Gaara narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Just what is this about..." he said, noticing the pregnant woman on the screen.

"Just watch," Sasuke said, pretending to be excited

* * *

Step, thump. Step, thump. Step, thump.

Naruto walked down a hall and headed to the closet he had claimed as his own on Day 1. Being that it was Day 30, and he still hadn't figured out his third task (damn binomials), he decided to get his coat and head home before anything _**crazy **_couldhappen. Now this was Naruto's _favorite _coat in the whole wide world (purple with green polka-dots), so he had made particular care to keep it safe by inserting locks on the closet door, bolting it shut, and swallowing the key whole. Conveniently, it had taken him exactly 29.5 days to digest it. With an excited giggle, Naruto unlocked the closet door. He suspiciously glanced left and right, before slipping inside and slamming the door shut behind him.

"Naruto-kun!"

"Hinata-chan?"

Naruto was in shock. His beloved Hinata...who'd died two days ago...was inside of _his_ closet! "What are you doing in here?" Naruto asked.

"I was locked in!" Hinata stated, wiping tears of happiness out of her eyes. "What are _you _doing here?"

"Well, I was getting my coat," stated Naruto. He looked past Hinata to notice his favorite coat. "If you'll excuse me," Naruto reached past her, snatched his coat off a hanger, rubbed the scaly fish-skin material against his cheek, and lastly turned to leave. "Well, see ya around..." Naruto said awkwardly, turning the knob of the door.

It. Was. Locked.

And silly Naruto had only placed locks on the _outside_ of the closet door. Throwing his head back, the blonde released a shrill scream. After a moment, he calmed down a little, and turned back around to face Hinata. A moment passed. He stared at her. She stared at him.

"So...do you want a drink?"

* * *

Yes! He had defeated Gaara and Kankuro!

Wiping a bit of vomit off his lips (bulimia), Sasuke peered back into the room. While Kankuro's head had exploded, Gaara had fainted. "Muahahahahaha..." Sasuke evilly chuckled. "...ahaha - oh gawd," he groaned, running back into the bathroom.

* * *

Shino was busy completing his third task.

Having finally solved all inner conflicts concerning the task at hand, he picked up one of his kikai bugs, and slowly brought it to his lips.

And then his head exploded.

* * *

Seven down, seven to go.

Yes, everything above (even Shino's head explosion, Akamaru's fall, and Naruto locking himself, his beautiful coat, and Hinata in a closet) had all been part of Sasuke's master plan, muahahaha. He'd even brought in Mr. Chouza to take care of a few more, but the fat man had proven himself to be useless.

And it was already dinner time. Dammit, he was running out of time!

Sasuke leapt onto the dinner table (which was, oddly enough, also the breakfast table) that evening, intent upon completing his third task.

Strutting across the table, yes, _strutting, _Sasuke took special care to step in Ino's salad, knock over Lee's spinach, and kick aside Kankuro's cherry pie. This got him a bit of attention. The Uchiha smirked. "I am..." he sexily tossed his hair. "King of the table."

All was silent.

And then...

"SASUKE'S GONE CRAZY!"

"HE WANTS TO EAT OUR _FLAMING_ TESTICLES!"

"HE SPEAKS OF THE GHOSTS OF HIS _**DEAD**_ FAMILY!"

With a well-aimed kick, Sasuke shut Lee up, twitching all the while. "I said, I'm King of the _fucking_ table. I _challenge_ you all to knock me down! Who ever remains standing defeats everyone! _(Muahahaha!)_"

More silence.

"Then might I be your first challenger," said Tenten, who was totally into it. With an awesome backwards triple flip that was physically impossible, she joined Sasuke on top of the table. "Bwahaha..." Tenten evilly chuckled, knowing there was _no way _she could possibly lose.

...until she realized she had ditched her weapons scroll to make more pocket room for pudding.

Tenten shrieked as she was grabbed by the buns in her hair (hidden hand grenades) and thrown out the nearest window where two explosions followed a moment later. _Who the hell was that? _Sasuke wondered, reinforcing his fighting stance as Sakura and Ino jumped onto the table.

The Uchiha felt uneasy facing them. He really didn't like hitting girls (...what about Tenten?). As the two lunged at him in unison, he grabbed each of their arms, spun around, and threw both across the room. With an "oof" and a "thud," Sakura and Ino sat against the wall, rubbing their bottoms as they glared at Sasuke.

Lee wasn't really paying much attention to what was going on, as he worked his way through a baked potato. "Can you please pass the butte-" a bitch-slap from Sasuke propelled Lee across the room to join Sakura and Ino. His head slammed against the wall, knocking him unconscious.

"Muahahaha," said Sasuke.

"You killed my mommy!" shrieked the mummy, suddenly jumping onto the table.

"Lee was your mo-" Sasuke was cut off when a punch from the mummy sent him to the edge of the table. The mummy, getting excited, began to twirl...and twirl...and twirl... Sasuke slowly climbed back to his feet, the mummy barely visible through his light blue chakra. Thinking fast, Sasuke grabbed one of the mummy's loose bandages, and as the mummy continued to spin, the bandages were unraveled to reveal Hyuuga Neji...who looked rather like the girl from The Ring by that point. Neji stumbled, confused as to why he wasn't the mummy anymore. Taking advantage of Neji's disoriented state, Sasuke knocked him unconscious with a metal baseball, throwing him off the table.

Temari and Shikmaru were last, who climbed reluctantly onto the table top. "Troublesome," groaned Shikamaru, who had taken mostly to hiding behind his girlfriend. Before Temari could draw her fan, Sasuke crouched and swung his leg at their feet, causing both of them to trip and fall backwards from the table. He released another evil chuckle.

Sasuke looked around the room. Everyone who was conscious (mostly girls) had taken to glaring at him.

"Hn, it's over now," the Uchiha muttered.

Shikamaru managed to weakly crawl toward Sasuke. "So you're off to the Hokage tower?" he inquired.

"No," muttered Sasuke. "Becoming jounin is useless to me. I don't care about titles. In fact, I think I'm still a genin."

Shikamaru blinked. "Then...why the hell did you do it?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Why else? To see if I could," his eyes looked suddenly...EVIL. "To test my strength..."

Shikamaru looked at him oddly. "And...why'd you leave me conscious? Did you mistake me for a girl, or...?" he gave Sasuke a questioning look.

Sasuke released an evil chuckle. "Because I want you to grow to hate me Shikamaru..." And with that, Sasuke fell into a lengthy evil speech about nothing, in which he repetitively addressed the Nara as "foolish little Shikamaru." The mushroom-menace could only stare at him in confusion.

As Sasuke sauntered away, Shikamaru lay on the ground, a bit of saliva drooling out of the corner of his mouth, for he was so shocked he had lost control of all his bodily functions. ALL of them. "WHY SASUKE!" he screamed. "WHHHYYYYYYYYYY!" after a small while of hysterical crying, Shikamaru got bored...and lonely (as the girls had left), so crawled away.


	33. Epilogue

**Boys and Girls**

by Bullwinkle's Lady

**Epilogue**

Shikamaru was traumatized from the event, and devoted the rest of his life to growing strong enough to kill Sasuke and to avenge the deaths of...Tenten?...and...erm...der...never mind...

Sasuke ran off to be emo elsewhere, and never traumatized the good citizens of Konoha with his psychotic, emo ranting ever again.

Gaara remembered he didn't need to be a jounin because he was already the Kazekage! Chuckling lightly to himself, he returned to Suna, which had become a mess of war since the disappearance of their leader about thirty days prior.

After plenty of therapy, Neji came to realize he in fact, was not a mummy, and resumed his normal life. Upon noticing his testicles were missing, he immediately after killed himself.

Lee was never seen or heard from again. Some say he ran off to be an exotic dancer, living in a small log cabin deep within the secret forest of Amazonia. ...Yeah, let's go with that.

Naruto and Hinata, yes, are still inside that very closet. After the disappearance of the horrible, codependent, Eeyore/Bigfoot-type pairing, the world rejoiced, and NaruHina was never seen or heard of ever again.

And as for everyone else...well, they died.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

The End.


End file.
